firstworldproblem | IC Inbox - Snakes on Serpentine Horizon

Ah, you do understand. Yes, responsible adult, good mother, someone who has the capacity to care that my team has been hurt, relentless murderer, whatever is needed at the time.

Edited 2022-12-25 10:39 (UTC)

Relentless murderer. Goodness. That one is different from the others. One that I can see making your son rather upset. Though in this place, it is a necessity.

And so what is it? What is the real you without a role?

Well, if I'm going to try to be honest, there's no point hiding that's exactly the reason he's upset.

But I don't know that there even is anything real underneath. Do you?

Did he offer an alternative or simply bemoaned the cruelty of the world at your expense?

[He pauses for a moment.]

I've spent no small amount of energy preserving my original personality. To be honest, I'm not sure why.

No, his complaint is justified, he found out about murders I committed at home, and that it was meant to include him. There's parts of it that he is being somewhat selfish or petty about, but I can't really blame him for it either.

...Interesting. You don't find you need it often enough to justify bothering?

You wanted to kill your son? Why?

[Not accusatory, but curious.]

I have no use of it currently. Perhaps one day again I will.

...Ahh, it's complicated, but I hated him. He was another woman's son, and she was my enemy. We were both pregnant by the same man, but she found out first, so he married her. And then we even gave birth at the same time, but my son died. So, although she's dead now, it was still painful, having to be around Battler-kun and being reminded of his mother and my child. I could keep you here all day with the details, but that's the gist of it. Just...blaming him for things that weren't his fault.

Losing a child is never easy. Little can compare to it, honestly.

Goodness. That is a lot to unpack between you two. He's yet young as well. Will you protect him then? To prove things are different? Or do you still hate him?

That's right, it's an awful thing to experience, isn't it? But... apparently my son is alive after all, I've just made him hate me so much that I'm under orders to keep insisting you don't call him my son.

I do want to protect him, yes. But he doesn't like it - it's all very dramatic, you see.

[He tilts his head.]

Under whose orders....

Like it or not, perhaps honest would serve you best. This sounds all rather overcomplicated.

Battler-kun's orders, of course.

[She sighs, shrugging.]

I am trying to be honest, yes. Which is why I'm looking to find a way to stop affecting any roles, you see. Anyway, you can ignore the details, I'm just trying to talk to someone like a real person, not get you involved in family drama.

Oh, do not worry, I will not embed myself or take sides. Family tends to be a matter of the heart and meddling tends to cause more harm than help.

I suppose I should ask why you feel like you need a role at all. Your son is alive. This other not-son seems as he needs time to digest your actions of the past and reconcile with the actions you have now. Are you still trying to play doting mother? Do you even want to?

Ah, I'm not concerned about whether you'll insert yourself or any of that - you don't need to bother listening to any of this. Especially when you ask about things that would require far more exposition than you know... I suppose it is too overcomplicated to speak loosely, those two sons are one and the same, Battler.

Essentially, I've always had a part to play, it's not that I want to, I just don't know any other way to be. I know the way I'm meant to act with my children, and I can simulate everything about being a good mother, but I'm still struggling with feeling it the same way. I want to just love them without it having anything to do with their usefulness to me. My daughter adores me, even knowing the things I've done, and I hate catching myself thinking about how I'm going to exploit that. Battler thinks that I can only care about myself, so when I notice these things, I worry that he might be right.

Even then... Maybe I only care about this because they're my children, and because their father is catching on too. Maybe I'm only trying to save myself from losing him. It's almost impossible to tell where my own lies begin. That's why I'm hoping that having no reason to try to use or lie to you might help.

But you are using me, are you not? You are trying to find a sense of normalcy, a perceived 'normal' interaction. Though by whose standards is anyone's guess.

Thoughts themselves are not grounds for berating. If they were, we would able terrible and horrible creatures. Perhaps you see your children as tools to be adored by your husband. Perhaps you see your husband as a tool to your won happiness. Can they not be both? Can you not love them and see their potential, their usefulness?

I think it's reasonable to acknowledge some usefulness. You're right, you could say that I'm even using you, after all. But there's a difference, isn't there? People don't willingly do things that won't benefit them in at least some way, even if it's just escaping boredom, but... Active manipulation is another thing, isn't it.

I do believe there are people that would do things selfishly. Love, unconditional, is real.

Though I can understand the frustration with active manipulation. You have spent a long time trying to move the pieces on the board, hence you view everyone that way. Perhaps the way to stop is start by acknowledging these thoughts even if you act on them or not. You won't always be successful at changing your nature, but step by step you might see change over time.

Ahh, you mean it can't just be rushed. Yes, I suppose that's true. Anything else I can just turn off and on as necessary, but the point is that this is the opposite, I guess.

Precisely. If you have been doing it all your life, it will be hard to change. Playing a part is easy after all in comparison to changing oneself.

It's far too easy. Whether it's obeying someone else or being the manipulator, it's much easier than having to just exist.

I would also ask yourself why you have this sudden desire to change. Is it truly the return of your child or simply because you tire of playing the game?

Well, it's not as if I'm just going to become a good person. I'm not trying to redeem myself or anything. But it's not sudden at all, I just...thought I had done it already.

I was starting to notice already, my husband was terrified of me, even though everything I do is for him. Now I keep seeing how bad it's been, that I don't have any life of my own and the way I try to hide that is alienating them.

Good is relative. It is about being the person you want to be.

How ironic. Doing everything for another but also accused of being selfish. If they truly love you, they will not leave you. Not on a whim.

...Besides my daughter, I'm not so sure they do. So. We'll have to see about that.

Perhaps you will not be able to earn their love. You cannot control the hearts of others after all.

But I do wish you luck. And I do hope this has helped even a little.

I didn't call on you looking to overshare, but...it is good even just to say something. And the advice isn't half bad either.

Sorry, but thank you, too. I'll have to do better than just bringing you leftover food.

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