firstworldproblem | IC Inbox - Snakes on Serpentine Horizon

I do believe there are people that would do things selfishly. Love, unconditional, is real.

Though I can understand the frustration with active manipulation. You have spent a long time trying to move the pieces on the board, hence you view everyone that way. Perhaps the way to stop is start by acknowledging these thoughts even if you act on them or not. You won't always be successful at changing your nature, but step by step you might see change over time.

Ahh, you mean it can't just be rushed. Yes, I suppose that's true. Anything else I can just turn off and on as necessary, but the point is that this is the opposite, I guess.

Precisely. If you have been doing it all your life, it will be hard to change. Playing a part is easy after all in comparison to changing oneself.

It's far too easy. Whether it's obeying someone else or being the manipulator, it's much easier than having to just exist.

I would also ask yourself why you have this sudden desire to change. Is it truly the return of your child or simply because you tire of playing the game?

Well, it's not as if I'm just going to become a good person. I'm not trying to redeem myself or anything. But it's not sudden at all, I just...thought I had done it already.

I was starting to notice already, my husband was terrified of me, even though everything I do is for him. Now I keep seeing how bad it's been, that I don't have any life of my own and the way I try to hide that is alienating them.

Good is relative. It is about being the person you want to be.

How ironic. Doing everything for another but also accused of being selfish. If they truly love you, they will not leave you. Not on a whim.

...Besides my daughter, I'm not so sure they do. So. We'll have to see about that.

Perhaps you will not be able to earn their love. You cannot control the hearts of others after all.

But I do wish you luck. And I do hope this has helped even a little.

I didn't call on you looking to overshare, but...it is good even just to say something. And the advice isn't half bad either.

Sorry, but thank you, too. I'll have to do better than just bringing you leftover food.

I know you did not come here with that intent. But your desire to better yourself is evident, and a task you cannot do alone. We are not solitary creatures after all. You do not owe me for the advice.

But considering the nature of this place, I won't say no to extra meals. Simply visiting will do as well. This place has seen fit to discourage me from wandering around on my own, and the company of those who have seen more years is a welcome change.

You can call on me to escort you any time you want to go somewhere or just get out of the house. And, well, if more food is helpful, then that's easy. I hope you like meat, I do have a weapon now, and shooting is the closest thing I have to a hobby, so it might as well be put to use.

Any food will help. After games we don't have the energy usually to really take care of ourselves outside of trying to hit objectives. Or at least, I don't.

Oh? Were you a mark-smith before or is this a new hobby?

Snail really needs to try harder to win.

Hmm, yes and no? The family I was born to is the type to hand a little girl a gun and tell her to kill someone, you know? So I've always been good at it. While my husband likes going shooting for fun, so I go with him, but it's really his hobby. With the monsters around though, there's quite a bit more excitement. I don't really see the point in something without effort or stakes, but now there are some.

Please. It is not for lack of trying. I turned someone into a demon and it was still not good enough.

Ah, so you are a bit of a thrill seeker. I do believe that is part of your core personality. Or do you think it is the persona you wear?

She seemed to be enjoying herself.

A thrill-seeker, hm...? My main uses are to work out difficult problems and violence, so it's difficult to tell whether I really enjoy aspects of things like that or am just playing to my strengths. ...But I suppose I can't force adrenaline, so then it must be real.

[He just laughs.]

She did. That doesn't mean it wasn't cruel or unnatural. And hard to imagine that simply removing limbs would have served me better.

Let me ask you this. What is your ideal life?

Freedom, I guess? But all that I really want to do with it is watch Rudolf-san mess around with problems until he figures out a solution or asks for my help. It's a bit of a contradiction, so that's probably a large part of the issue.

All things considered, I consider it to be a rather charming goal. Simply being around those whom you care for even if it can be selfish and selfless at the same time.

Oh, I'm very selfish about getting it. You're probably the only one who could call it charming. I appreciate that, though.

People are bound to make assumptions should they know not the whole story. Even I am making the as we speak.

But I won't judge you about it. Much.

Are you sure? I think there's an awful lot to judge. You did say that you have to pretend to care about your team more than you do, that's not equivalent to being judgmental, but... I do believe there was also something about thinking badly of everyone.

For better or for worse, I have to keep in their good graces. There might be a time when I do desire to have them make a certain decisions. And above that, I do need a place to go or else my taboos will wither my soul alive as much as I wish I did not.

[He taps his chin.]

Habits are hard to break. The advice I gave you is advice I should take as well.

Considering that taboo, being solitary especially, I assume.

MmmHmm.

I don't fit in with them. My team. 'Tis obvious. Perhaps it is age. Perhaps it is because I care little for their crisis of morality and finding worth.

But antagonizing them wins me no favors.

IC Inbox - Snakes on Serpentine Horizon

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