firstworldproblem | IC Inbox - Snakes on Serpentine Horizon

They sound quite a bit easier than they are. You really don't need to worry about them. I'm sure you have something more manageable.

Bedding then. Especially since the brothers are staying over.

How are you doing with your son? Was he upset that I turned his teammate into a demon?

Bedding is always useful.

[She nods, heading in that direction.]

...Battler-kun is my stepson. He's been a bit upset with me, so he doesn't really tell me things like that lately. But I imagine you would know if he was terribly upset about it.

He seemed very protective of you honestly. Might I ask why he is upset?

...Did he?

He found out some things about me, they're not very good. But I can't do anything about it now, or properly apologise.

He did. But I suppose it can only be expected being a stranger myself especially right after such a game.

[He taps his chin.]

Would you change these things about yourself? The ones that he found out about.

Parts of it, at least. Others...well, I would have to be an entirely different person at that point. If I could simply change that I was ever this way, then yes. Otherwise, just picking and choosing would be worse, if that makes any sense.

It does.

You did say you wanted to hang out with 'adults' so I can imagine the naivety is getting to you?

There is another mother on our team. Dark purple hair. Actually the mother or 'creator' of the short one on our team.

I'm sure she would be one you can commiserate with.

They're all pretty mature really. It's more that I feel I have to act a certain way as the adult.

I wonder if that would go the way you think... But I didn't realise there were any other mothers here, so I suppose I had better at least say hello. You stood out to me because you said something about being used to playing roles, and I think that memory you shared illustrated it a bit. To be honest, I thought with that in mind, I might be able to manage to speak to you as myself, without a role, you know?

You can speak freely. While I will always judge, your business is your business. I have enough of my plate that I don't need to meddle in other stars.

And I've always found a listening ear does help organize one's thoughts.

[She laughs.]

Judgmental without meddling suits me fine.

But I don't mean that I intended to unload on you - I'm too used to playing roles myself, even when I'm trying to be honest, I realise that I'm doing it again, I've just picked a different one. But around someone else who does that sort of thing, there shouldn't be a point, so maybe I'll stop.

Oh.

Are you playing the role of 'respected adult'? I have to admit I have to pretend I care more than I actually do towards my team.

Ah, you do understand. Yes, responsible adult, good mother, someone who has the capacity to care that my team has been hurt, relentless murderer, whatever is needed at the time.

Edited 2022-12-25 10:39 (UTC)

Relentless murderer. Goodness. That one is different from the others. One that I can see making your son rather upset. Though in this place, it is a necessity.

And so what is it? What is the real you without a role?

Well, if I'm going to try to be honest, there's no point hiding that's exactly the reason he's upset.

But I don't know that there even is anything real underneath. Do you?

Did he offer an alternative or simply bemoaned the cruelty of the world at your expense?

[He pauses for a moment.]

I've spent no small amount of energy preserving my original personality. To be honest, I'm not sure why.

No, his complaint is justified, he found out about murders I committed at home, and that it was meant to include him. There's parts of it that he is being somewhat selfish or petty about, but I can't really blame him for it either.

...Interesting. You don't find you need it often enough to justify bothering?

You wanted to kill your son? Why?

[Not accusatory, but curious.]

I have no use of it currently. Perhaps one day again I will.

...Ahh, it's complicated, but I hated him. He was another woman's son, and she was my enemy. We were both pregnant by the same man, but she found out first, so he married her. And then we even gave birth at the same time, but my son died. So, although she's dead now, it was still painful, having to be around Battler-kun and being reminded of his mother and my child. I could keep you here all day with the details, but that's the gist of it. Just...blaming him for things that weren't his fault.

Losing a child is never easy. Little can compare to it, honestly.

Goodness. That is a lot to unpack between you two. He's yet young as well. Will you protect him then? To prove things are different? Or do you still hate him?

That's right, it's an awful thing to experience, isn't it? But... apparently my son is alive after all, I've just made him hate me so much that I'm under orders to keep insisting you don't call him my son.

I do want to protect him, yes. But he doesn't like it - it's all very dramatic, you see.

[He tilts his head.]

Under whose orders....

Like it or not, perhaps honest would serve you best. This sounds all rather overcomplicated.

Battler-kun's orders, of course.

[She sighs, shrugging.]

I am trying to be honest, yes. Which is why I'm looking to find a way to stop affecting any roles, you see. Anyway, you can ignore the details, I'm just trying to talk to someone like a real person, not get you involved in family drama.

Oh, do not worry, I will not embed myself or take sides. Family tends to be a matter of the heart and meddling tends to cause more harm than help.

I suppose I should ask why you feel like you need a role at all. Your son is alive. This other not-son seems as he needs time to digest your actions of the past and reconcile with the actions you have now. Are you still trying to play doting mother? Do you even want to?

Ah, I'm not concerned about whether you'll insert yourself or any of that - you don't need to bother listening to any of this. Especially when you ask about things that would require far more exposition than you know... I suppose it is too overcomplicated to speak loosely, those two sons are one and the same, Battler.

Essentially, I've always had a part to play, it's not that I want to, I just don't know any other way to be. I know the way I'm meant to act with my children, and I can simulate everything about being a good mother, but I'm still struggling with feeling it the same way. I want to just love them without it having anything to do with their usefulness to me. My daughter adores me, even knowing the things I've done, and I hate catching myself thinking about how I'm going to exploit that. Battler thinks that I can only care about myself, so when I notice these things, I worry that he might be right.

Even then... Maybe I only care about this because they're my children, and because their father is catching on too. Maybe I'm only trying to save myself from losing him. It's almost impossible to tell where my own lies begin. That's why I'm hoping that having no reason to try to use or lie to you might help.

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53

Re: Day 53