firstworldproblem | IC Inbox (Imeeji)

You see. All of it.

Especially losing it. And...weakness. I know it's stupid. You don't have to tell me.

[He sighs, head sinking to his arms where he has them on the balcony rail.]

Mmm... Foolish and stupid are not the same. Even I fear losing what I love. And perhaps to some extent being comfortable enough to be vulnerable. Many things terrify me deeply, in fact.

You have survived so long in strength and relying on yourself, to rely on another--it must be incredibly difficult. Exposing your heart, trying to trust I will not pluck it from your chest and laugh in your face while I grind it under heel. That, indeed, takes tremendous courage. I can understand the urge to stab me if only to protect yourself.

I've done nothing to prove to you I will not betray or leave you, ultimately. That your trust is not misplaced. And even if I had, I assure you the feelings of fear would likely still be there, perhaps even heightened. As my worth to you grows so will the terror of losing me.

But that... That is what it is, to have relationships. To love another. It is not all bad. It is mostly good, in fact. But fear--fear is hard to overcome. It is something that can destroy civilizations. Do not think yourself weak for having it.

...How do you know exactly what I'm thinking better then I do?

[Probably because of their similarities. But even so. He turns his back to the railing to lean against it, crossing his arms.]

But it's also...

[He has to gather his thoughts, please bear with the pause for a few moments.]

I can't protect you from anything? - I know you're plenty strong yourself, you don't need it. But still.

Our similarities, and my age, and you are not so hard a book to read.

Hm...

What does protecting someone mean to you? Merely shielding them from physical harm?

Mostly... No, not just that. Not just physical. Mental is worse. And then there's protecting their interests? Like your home coming together. Not having to struggle.

Hm... Physically I can assure you I have endured every pain, degradation, indignity, and suffering the flesh can be subject to. The pains a physical shell can experience hold no fear or even novelty to me. Death as well.

But mentally and emotionally--yes you are right. Those are hard. But what makes you think you cannot aid me there?

I'm not afraid of physical harm, even now with flesh that won't heal itself, it doesn't bother me at all. I did expect you to be the same. But you were still concerned about letting Dante stab me. Or was that the act? Even then it still means you can understand why I wouldn't want to let it happen. And How can I stop something from being done to your mind or soul if I can't even keep your body safe?

-- and emotionally - me? I don't even know my own.

Oh yes, that was the act. Though it is true I don't revel in such things either.

You need not understand yourself to still be comforting, Vergil. You do undervalue the pleasure of your company. And that can be enough. Just enjoying your existence. Is that not what you enjoy about me? The company? For I have done little else for you, save offer insights now and again.

But that is all one needs, in a friend. Their presence and the pleasure that brings. And comfort from their affection when called for.

Surely neither of us can shield each other from the world, nor should we deign to try. But knowing there is someone to turn to--to go to when all is cold and overwhelming, who will welcome you with warmth, isn't that enough? What more value could you desire to offer or ask? I would be that for you. And in time perhaps you will accept you can be that for me as well, without feeling as if there need ever be more than you being you.

I don't know, I guess that's essentially all. Except that you're looking at it through a selfless lense. I go about it selfishly.

Do explain.

You're not going to want me to. You'll disagree because you have to. But I know I'm right.

Explain anyway.

Noah briefly explained tempering today. And it was close enough that I had to drink too. That's the worst thing I can imagine, I think about it all the time, not being able to think for myself. You probably think it's just fine because you can't think otherwise, that's the point. I don't even know what it's making you think or do but I hate it. That's what I most want to protect you from, just because of my experiences and opinions without regard for yours.

[He snorts, bumping his shoulder to Vergil's.]

I fail to see how that's any more or less selfish than my statements. But you are not wrong, a tempered soul is indeed a horrifying thing, under most circumstances. Thankfully it is not the same for Emet and myself, though your concern gratifies me.

[And there it is.]

Uh-huh. Sounds like something someone whose soul and mind are being controlled would say. That's exactly what I mean. You can say it's fine, maybe it really is, somehow, but I can't believe it. Or I refuse to.

I cannot stop you worrying if you are set on it, though this may be better discussed sober.

Still, is that what worries you? That you cannot help in this way, even if you could offer solace in all others?

Yes. Not to mention what they could do to you here that isn't dissimilar. Your corruption. That you could transfer it graduate -- even though the latter would be good for you! Because if I care about you any more than I already do I'll be -

I don't know. I don't know what I'd do about it, it's just like wanting to attack you. Take it out on someone else I guess.

[Exactly that. Not know how to deal with being sad other than to get aggressive.]

You will be...?

I cannot reassure you to my mental state, it has been somewhat tampered with. But I can reassure you it does not seem particularly malicious, or Emet-Selch would have noticed the change in me.

It is not so bad to need someone, though. Even to the point of obsession. But that is the risk. When you love others, when you open up to them, you become vulnerable to their loss and your own grief.

That, I cannot say ever gets easier, or has a magical solution. And you are more accustomed to physically working out your feelings, or not addressing them at all. I am sure that makes it even harder.

I still believe the anxiety worth the company, however.

[Emet-Selch did seem to think it wasn't a big deal. He hopes that's the case! He'd like to bully!]

Is it? Maybe. I don't know. That's the thing isn't it. I don't know anything about caring about someone. Only running away from it.

[How did it get to this when he was just admitting to wanting to stab his feelings out...]

-- A-anyway! That's why!

[This shoulder bump just turns into a lean.]

Caring is not a science. One is bound to mess up, be neglectful, even hurtful. Do keep that in mind. I will fail you at times, with no intention to do so, and you in turn are allowed to not know what you're doing. So long as you don't run away, then things can always be mended.

And if you still wish to stab me at times, perhaps I'll let you, if it would help. As a show of trust or camaraderie to your unique brand of bonding.

...I hate it when you're right.

[He grumbles. But he takes the lean, and slumps so it can be more level. But also to pout.]

I won't hold you to it until you can say that when you're sober, you fool.

[Although that was pretty sobering. His head is starting to pound rather than spin.]

Haha, you must hate everything I say.

[Cuz he's always right!!]

Hm, but that means you want to hold me to it, right? I'm not in the habit of making idle offers, even wasted.

I'll shove you off this balcony, I don't even care if common law is still in effect.

[And yes he kind of does shut up don't be an idiot and let stabbing happen? ??]

Hahaha!

[Well he's laughing at least.]

So, is it because you want to run away or just because you don't know how else to express your feelings?

It's because I've decided I hate you actually and the world should be rid of you.

[It's the feelings one yep]

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