[There's--actual surprise on his face, like he really didn't expect Emet to take it so closely to heart. He looks aside briefly, brow knitting in confusion, then looks back to Emet.]
...Do you never find things I do or say foolish? Incorrect? Hurtful? And if you do, does it make you care for me any less?
We are going to say things we regret, words of ire where emotions tangle in the way. How else are we to grow. To understand.
But I cannot speak to you without worry of every action being judged, of every misstep put on display. And I will make mistakes, I will falter. But you never ask why or understand why I made that choice?
So, no, saying such things does not make me care for you any less, but not taking that step to understand does.
[Oh. That's. Well. That sure gives him pause. For all he's good with people, it certainly seems that he never noticed this.]
... Oh.
[He looks down, trying to gather his thoughts. Up until now, he's mostly seen himself in that position of disadvantage and vulnerability, having his own actions judged on a scale that he did not understand, never knowing if he's doing something right or wrong. And Cosmo and Alexander both were those in power, as it were; though fearful of him in a sense, yet ready to strike him down should he step out of line, as Alexander had put it. Perhaps his jokes about the two of them being his parents were not too far off - a similar situation, where both sides have a lot of pull but in different ways. A parent would be distraught to see their child hurt and would tolerate a lot of their tantrums, yet still wields the "official" power, as it were, while the child has little formal influence but can inflict great emotional scars.
Is that what it's like? Is that what's been happening, all this time? Levity feels a lump in his throat and a burning in his eyes; it's just as he's been afraid of. He has been hurting Hades, and never truly knew it.]
I... Hades, I never meant to...
[It feels as though every sense is heightened as panic and anxiety fill him. What if he says something wrong now? What if he messes this up irrevocably? Levity tries to focus on his breathing, first hugging himself tighter unconsciously, then forcing himself to relax, however unsuccessfully.]
I... I am sorry. I do want to understand you. I...
[He looks back at Alexander, a lost look in his eye.]
... I don't know why I did not ask. I... think I feared that you would not tell me... that you would say I was not ready.
You feared I would not discuss with you game strategy? If we cannot discuss this, then there is no hope for us being able to tackle a topic as heavy as the Rejoinings.
And understanding does not mean agreement. You need not agree with my choices or my methods. Cardinal and I disagree on many topics, yet our bond is stronger for it.
If there is fear that you cannot even broach less heavier topics, than that is a failing on my part. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable?
But in return I ask you do not simply cast off my actions as foolish or inconsiderate. I do not revel in the injury of others, and had I my choice no one would ever feel such pains again. But that is not the reality we live in.
[THIS IS A LOT FOR HIM TO TAKE IN, IT SEEMS, THE WHITE HAIR LACK OF BRAINCELLS IS STRUGGLING
But really, he did not expect Emet to take such offense to his displeasure with their game strategy.]
No, I meant... I did not fear that you would not discuss game strategy with me. But for any heavier topic, I felt that I would be denied an answer, or I was supposed to know it in advance, and thus... gave up.
[Well. There's a lot to unpack here, but let's start with smaller things.]
As for yesterday... Why did you choose to play that way?
In regards to the Rejoining, you would be correct. I would have shut you down had you asked. But we are here to see if there is a path forward. A path of understanding.
[Unfortunately the word 'martyr' is only one step below the word 'hero' is his vocabulary. It's complicated.]
BARiTONES strategy has and will always be to assure victory. In this way, not only do we not die in games, but we are afforded healing of injuries at the end of games if the hosts are feeling generous. We have taken a stance to protect ourselves and leave as little to chance as possible.
Thus, in order to win this game, we would need to select the most amount of sins. There were also a few of us who did not want to divulge their sin thus we selected all. Could we have selected fewer? Of course. But we strive for assured victories.
You do not have to agree with this, but this is our way of strategy. Other units have other strategies that may or may not be in conflict with our own. However, I am here to listen if there was another way to achieve our goal and others were there a better way in the last game.
I believe there was. You could have used the first round to see how the others would play, and pick the seven sins necessary for a lighter punishment, or maybe a little more for added insurance. You are familiar with how most other units usually play. With the sins being nearly anonymous, no one could be truly sure they would not be targeting their friends or loved ones on their units, a concern for most units - or even that they wouldn't be targeting their own members, for those with more secretive or newer members. The only others rivaling you in offensive defense are Taisho and ZRAEL. That's two out of six winners, three counting Baritones. Three more units could go against you, and it was unlikely there would be more who would choose too many sins: the topic is uncomfortable for many, or they're not ready to judge people anonymously for things they have little context for.
Having assessed the situation, you could have gone all out on the second round to gun for your first place. That would give you enough element of surprise that even if the others scrabbled to catch up, you would still outpace them by sacrificing everyone in the third round as well.
My issue is that you set stakes much too high from the very start. You surely could have foreseen the panic it would cause, and doom every unit who did not score enough points in the first round. If you apply that same logic to every game, is it not the same as aiming to win by killing everyone else, regardless of what is enough for a win? That certainly is a way to achieve victory, but a less than optimal one in my eyes.
[He shakes his head.]
I don't believe that what you did was necessary to secure your survival. And I am particularly displeased that you only reinforced your reputation of being "villains"--and you gave the producers what they wanted. Conflict, hurt feelings, panic, savageness. I hate being source of entertainment for them most of all.
Correct, I also expected Zrael and Taisho to hit hard in the first round. I also expected Avante though in retrospect that was incorrect. So that would have been four units to contend with. What I did not expect was pep!, sensitiv, and Bad End. That would have been seven units in the top spot after the first round though Avante did not play as hard an anticipated.
That would not have assured us the victory to which we strive for.
And by your strategy we would only have spared the panic in the second round, but not the third. Would our reputation truly be any better or would be simply have been blamed for causing a panic one round later? Would you have applauded us for our restraint?
You all could have simply ignored us and continued with your round one strategy.
Though I do believe this is the heart of the conflict. 'By killing everyone else'. Six units were to die and no matter how we played that is an inescapable fact. In other games units will die as well. No one on BARiTONES or any other unit wants this. This is the harsh reality we all must face. The truth of the Production.
If we try your more restrained methods, we do gamble dying from time to time for the sake of the community.
[yeah that last part is kind of. the point. that's the amaurotism baybey.]
... I do not think it such a bad thing to risk dying for the community. And I'm sure you understand why. Unity has always been important to our people, hasn't it?
As I see it, the problem with you starting out so strong is that it sent a message to everyone else that it's fine to do this. And no one could be sure who else would or would not follow suit, and so almost everyone did in a mad bid for survival. That certainly was why we did it. We would not have, had you not chosen to play like that. And I do think your reputation would have been better - or at the very least, I would not have found any fault with your reasoning. I would not have objected even if you'd chosen a good three quarters in the first round. You would have left others a fighting chance for a win while securing a good one for yourself.
Bad End was predictable, in my eyes. Ever since Wed, Bed, Behead they've sworn to be more ruthless to protect themselves.
Our people, yes. These are not our people. And truthfully, if I had to compare them they would be akin more to the shards than they would be to ours. One half would not willing sacrifice themselves to save the other. The 'panic' to save themselves in the last game is proof of that.
I owe the community of this place a paltry amount at best. Therefore, I care not what they think of me.
You, however, I do care what you think. Will you always be disappointed if I do not care about all the units? If I do not have their best interests in mind?
Am I truly? Do I not show enough care to Ardyn, to BARiTONES. To Lahabrea, Five and Vergil. Am I truly the problem?
I just do not believe this group will rise to the occasion in harmony. That they will not act in their best interests. And truly the fault is not theirs. They are all but incentivized to do this. There is no 'saving' everyone. In most games all I can do is to attempt to save BARiTONES. And I will not risk them for any other unit. I will not leave it to chance.
And if I'm hated for it, so be it. I would not begrudge any unit that wished to protect themselves or the ones they love. We simply live in a world where all units living during a game is not a valid reality.
I don't mean that everyone deserves to survive during games! I'm not that stupid, Hades! I just mean that everyone deserves a fighting chance, and you took that away in the last game! And I feel an absolute damn fool for--for trying to be kind to people, to figure out which sins were yours so we could avoid them--
[He stops, breath caught in his throat, then grits his teeth in frustration.]
[He pauses, looking aside, a pained expression on his face as he thinks. Is he upset about that?
He tries to think about all the things he's learned here. From Jason. From Glory. From his unit.]
... No. I know I should not count on the kindness of others. I do not. But it makes me feel a fool to look out for others when they do not do the same. Yet I cannot... not do that. So I am a fool no matter what.
[He drops his arms, suddenly looking exhausted, then sits down on the floor, crossing his legs and pulling out one of the bits of metal he always keeps in his pockets nowadays. Do unit abilities work within dreams? He's going to try Reuse-and-Recycle-ing the metal piece into a moebius strip. Moping.]
[It does indeed work in a dream. In fact, he'll have full control over it if he wishes to utilize that at any point.
He sits down next to him.]
You are not a fool for caring about others or trying to protect them. These games are meant to cause bursts of negative emotions for the drama and ratings that they bring.
You cannot control the actions of others so then you are only left with how you played, and can you live with it.
[He hunches his shoulders, half-curling up, simultaneously defensive and defeated.]
But what is the point of me trying to care about anyone other than my unit? Whatever goodwill I may put in my actions is so easily dismissed or rendered useless by what others do! But I--can't shut down that part of myself, I can't play as hard as you do, and my unit suffers for it. I'm punished for being--for trying to be kind. Then why should I keep trying? Why don't I just forget about everyone else except for a handful of people?
I would not want you to play as hard as BARiTONES does if it hurts your heart. Only you and your unit can decide what is right. But other units will make different choices and neither of you are wrong. And that is what I'm asking for. Understanding.
And games, while the most potent, are not the only experiences here. Remember the kindness and love outside of them both given and received. I do believe you will find people's true nature there.
I am. So assured you were of your opinion that you belittled and berated me. You all but slammed the proverbial door in my face writing me off as a villain in your tale.
You have your way of doing things, and I have mine. Truthfully, our methods have always had more differences than similarities. If we cannot embrace that or at least understand it, nothing but harsh feelings will flow from it.
[He stares ahead for a time, thinking, pulling up his knees to his chest and hugging them. It still leaves him with an unpleasant heaviness in his gut to know he's hurt Emet like that, but... He still can't quite get over the feeling that the way Baritones played was not necessary.]
I... can accept it, I think. It's just... hard.
[He sighs quietly.]
I... was not ready for it. In all the other games... It was randomized, or there really was no room for anything less than going all out... I did not realize just how hard you would play.
[...]
Some time before he left, Absinthe and I talked about the time he bid ZRAEL's ability to breathe in a game. So... That was the kind of thing I'd expected from him. But he's not here anymore.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: 378?
...Do you never find things I do or say foolish? Incorrect? Hurtful? And if you do, does it make you care for me any less?
Re: 378?
But I cannot speak to you without worry of every action being judged, of every misstep put on display. And I will make mistakes, I will falter. But you never ask why or understand why I made that choice?
So, no, saying such things does not make me care for you any less, but not taking that step to understand does.
Re: 378?
... Oh.
[He looks down, trying to gather his thoughts. Up until now, he's mostly seen himself in that position of disadvantage and vulnerability, having his own actions judged on a scale that he did not understand, never knowing if he's doing something right or wrong. And Cosmo and Alexander both were those in power, as it were; though fearful of him in a sense, yet ready to strike him down should he step out of line, as Alexander had put it. Perhaps his jokes about the two of them being his parents were not too far off - a similar situation, where both sides have a lot of pull but in different ways. A parent would be distraught to see their child hurt and would tolerate a lot of their tantrums, yet still wields the "official" power, as it were, while the child has little formal influence but can inflict great emotional scars.
Is that what it's like? Is that what's been happening, all this time? Levity feels a lump in his throat and a burning in his eyes; it's just as he's been afraid of. He has been hurting Hades, and never truly knew it.]
I... Hades, I never meant to...
[It feels as though every sense is heightened as panic and anxiety fill him. What if he says something wrong now? What if he messes this up irrevocably? Levity tries to focus on his breathing, first hugging himself tighter unconsciously, then forcing himself to relax, however unsuccessfully.]
I... I am sorry. I do want to understand you. I...
[He looks back at Alexander, a lost look in his eye.]
... I don't know why I did not ask. I... think I feared that you would not tell me... that you would say I was not ready.
Re: 378?
And understanding does not mean agreement. You need not agree with my choices or my methods. Cardinal and I disagree on many topics, yet our bond is stronger for it.
If there is fear that you cannot even broach less heavier topics, than that is a failing on my part. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable?
But in return I ask you do not simply cast off my actions as foolish or inconsiderate. I do not revel in the injury of others, and had I my choice no one would ever feel such pains again. But that is not the reality we live in.
Re: 378?
But really, he did not expect Emet to take such offense to his displeasure with their game strategy.]
No, I meant... I did not fear that you would not discuss game strategy with me. But for any heavier topic, I felt that I would be denied an answer, or I was supposed to know it in advance, and thus... gave up.
[Well. There's a lot to unpack here, but let's start with smaller things.]
As for yesterday... Why did you choose to play that way?
Re: 378?
[Unfortunately the word 'martyr' is only one step below the word 'hero' is his vocabulary. It's complicated.]
BARiTONES strategy has and will always be to assure victory. In this way, not only do we not die in games, but we are afforded healing of injuries at the end of games if the hosts are feeling generous. We have taken a stance to protect ourselves and leave as little to chance as possible.
Thus, in order to win this game, we would need to select the most amount of sins. There were also a few of us who did not want to divulge their sin thus we selected all. Could we have selected fewer? Of course. But we strive for assured victories.
You do not have to agree with this, but this is our way of strategy. Other units have other strategies that may or may not be in conflict with our own. However, I am here to listen if there was another way to achieve our goal and others were there a better way in the last game.
Re: 378?
I believe there was. You could have used the first round to see how the others would play, and pick the seven sins necessary for a lighter punishment, or maybe a little more for added insurance. You are familiar with how most other units usually play. With the sins being nearly anonymous, no one could be truly sure they would not be targeting their friends or loved ones on their units, a concern for most units - or even that they wouldn't be targeting their own members, for those with more secretive or newer members. The only others rivaling you in offensive defense are Taisho and ZRAEL. That's two out of six winners, three counting Baritones. Three more units could go against you, and it was unlikely there would be more who would choose too many sins: the topic is uncomfortable for many, or they're not ready to judge people anonymously for things they have little context for.
Having assessed the situation, you could have gone all out on the second round to gun for your first place. That would give you enough element of surprise that even if the others scrabbled to catch up, you would still outpace them by sacrificing everyone in the third round as well.
My issue is that you set stakes much too high from the very start. You surely could have foreseen the panic it would cause, and doom every unit who did not score enough points in the first round. If you apply that same logic to every game, is it not the same as aiming to win by killing everyone else, regardless of what is enough for a win? That certainly is a way to achieve victory, but a less than optimal one in my eyes.
[He shakes his head.]
I don't believe that what you did was necessary to secure your survival. And I am particularly displeased that you only reinforced your reputation of being "villains"--and you gave the producers what they wanted. Conflict, hurt feelings, panic, savageness. I hate being source of entertainment for them most of all.
Re: 378?
That would not have assured us the victory to which we strive for.
And by your strategy we would only have spared the panic in the second round, but not the third. Would our reputation truly be any better or would be simply have been blamed for causing a panic one round later? Would you have applauded us for our restraint?
You all could have simply ignored us and continued with your round one strategy.
Though I do believe this is the heart of the conflict. 'By killing everyone else'. Six units were to die and no matter how we played that is an inescapable fact. In other games units will die as well. No one on BARiTONES or any other unit wants this. This is the harsh reality we all must face. The truth of the Production.
If we try your more restrained methods, we do gamble dying from time to time for the sake of the community.
Re: 378?
... I do not think it such a bad thing to risk dying for the community. And I'm sure you understand why. Unity has always been important to our people, hasn't it?
As I see it, the problem with you starting out so strong is that it sent a message to everyone else that it's fine to do this. And no one could be sure who else would or would not follow suit, and so almost everyone did in a mad bid for survival. That certainly was why we did it. We would not have, had you not chosen to play like that. And I do think your reputation would have been better - or at the very least, I would not have found any fault with your reasoning. I would not have objected even if you'd chosen a good three quarters in the first round. You would have left others a fighting chance for a win while securing a good one for yourself.
Bad End was predictable, in my eyes. Ever since Wed, Bed, Behead they've sworn to be more ruthless to protect themselves.
Re: 378?
I owe the community of this place a paltry amount at best. Therefore, I care not what they think of me.
You, however, I do care what you think. Will you always be disappointed if I do not care about all the units? If I do not have their best interests in mind?
Re: 378?
He's quiet for some time, thinking it over, then lowers his arms, looking down.]
... Not disappointed. Just... sad. It's like with Ardyn... where you've been hurt too much, and now you find it hard to care about others.
Re: 378?
I just do not believe this group will rise to the occasion in harmony. That they will not act in their best interests. And truly the fault is not theirs. They are all but incentivized to do this. There is no 'saving' everyone. In most games all I can do is to attempt to save BARiTONES. And I will not risk them for any other unit. I will not leave it to chance.
And if I'm hated for it, so be it. I would not begrudge any unit that wished to protect themselves or the ones they love. We simply live in a world where all units living during a game is not a valid reality.
Re: 378?
I don't mean that everyone deserves to survive during games! I'm not that stupid, Hades! I just mean that everyone deserves a fighting chance, and you took that away in the last game! And I feel an absolute damn fool for--for trying to be kind to people, to figure out which sins were yours so we could avoid them--
[He stops, breath caught in his throat, then grits his teeth in frustration.]
Re: 378?
Are you upset that other did not afford you the same? That they did not search for your sins?
Re: 378?
He tries to think about all the things he's learned here. From Jason. From Glory. From his unit.]
... No. I know I should not count on the kindness of others. I do not. But it makes me feel a fool to look out for others when they do not do the same. Yet I cannot... not do that. So I am a fool no matter what.
[He drops his arms, suddenly looking exhausted, then sits down on the floor, crossing his legs and pulling out one of the bits of metal he always keeps in his pockets nowadays. Do unit abilities work within dreams? He's going to try Reuse-and-Recycle-ing the metal piece into a moebius strip. Moping.]
Re: 378?
He sits down next to him.]
You are not a fool for caring about others or trying to protect them. These games are meant to cause bursts of negative emotions for the drama and ratings that they bring.
You cannot control the actions of others so then you are only left with how you played, and can you live with it.
Re: 378?
But what is the point of me trying to care about anyone other than my unit? Whatever goodwill I may put in my actions is so easily dismissed or rendered useless by what others do! But I--can't shut down that part of myself, I can't play as hard as you do, and my unit suffers for it. I'm punished for being--for trying to be kind. Then why should I keep trying? Why don't I just forget about everyone else except for a handful of people?
Re: 378?
I would not want you to play as hard as BARiTONES does if it hurts your heart. Only you and your unit can decide what is right. But other units will make different choices and neither of you are wrong. And that is what I'm asking for. Understanding.
And games, while the most potent, are not the only experiences here. Remember the kindness and love outside of them both given and received. I do believe you will find people's true nature there.
Re: 378?
I just... Wish we could all play safer during games... So everyone has an equal chance, without having to sacrifice what they believe in to survive...
Re: 378?
[He kisses the top of his head.]
Perhaps you should speak to Cardinal. I know they have struggled with this in the past. They might be able to provide you with insights I cannot give.
Re: 378?
Aren't you angry with me?
Re: 378?
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Re: 378?
You have your way of doing things, and I have mine. Truthfully, our methods have always had more differences than similarities. If we cannot embrace that or at least understand it, nothing but harsh feelings will flow from it.
Re: 378?
I... can accept it, I think. It's just... hard.
[He sighs quietly.]
I... was not ready for it. In all the other games... It was randomized, or there really was no room for anything less than going all out... I did not realize just how hard you would play.
[...]
Some time before he left, Absinthe and I talked about the time he bid ZRAEL's ability to breathe in a game. So... That was the kind of thing I'd expected from him. But he's not here anymore.
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