firstworldproblem | IC Inbox (Imeeji)

It's a bit terrifying, is it not? And I do hope Vergil and the Scios have simply bonded through fighting and they emotions do not run deeper than that.

But I have my doubts.

Vergil has been known to make rash decisions and you've seen Five when he's conflicted with emotions about his siblings. He is not rash, but he hesitates where he should not. As much as he would say he would not, I know his mind too well. Should conflict arise, he will first look for an optimal solution where both parties interests are met. This farce of a truce is a prime example. Had he not cared for Thancred or trusted him, he would not have even brought it to us with the expectations of us honoring it.

To state it in your words, there will always be rope now.

[He sighs, leaning down to kiss Emet's forehead.]

Then let me be the one to carry the suspicions. You should not have this in the back of your mind when you spend time with Five. No matter how directly you confront him, I do not know if it will satisfy you, any reassurance.

But your joy with him is... deeply important. To color it with bracing for disappointment would be a shame.

Easier said than done considering Azem, how our people summoned Hydaelyn. My own actions. I do tend to stumble on the same pitfalls again and again.

[He squeezes his hand again and turns so he is laying more properly on him.]

But a problem for another day.

Is this what you mean by your trust in yourself waning?

[He lifts his arms and then settles them back around Emet's shoulders, getting comfy, one hand carding through his hair like petting a cat.]

Listen to me my friend. While I cannot claim to trust, I can say that you have gotten farther in attempting than I would in rejecting the attempts. I do not believe you are in the wrong. Whatever pitfalls trip you, whatever pain breaks your heart, it is your attempts that have seen us this far.

Do keep that in mind, as much as your heart aches and suspicions may gnaw, your love is not in error.

'This far...'?

[He closes his eyes.]

Tell me, Lahabrea, are we any closer to our goals than the first day after the Sundering? All we can rely on now is a hope that the Production can turn the tide for us. Otherwise, all will be for naught.

Now you are being overly pessimistic. We reached halfway in our old method, and a terrible method it was. Yet the Rejoinings would have continued, the world would have been whole had I myself not succumbed.

[He cups Emet's face, tilts it up to look at him.]

Doubt now resides in your heart, towards one you had complete faith in. Then let me say this. Five Hargreeves has always been a kind soul. His merits for loving you are also the weakness you fear will betray us. It has always been so. Only now it is more apparent because who he has chosen to befriend is our enemy.

All we have ever had is each other, and hope, and determination to see things through. Now we count others among our allies, shaky as that may feel right now. He wants what you do, a path without bloodshed. And Vergil... I will speak to on my own.

I no more trust the Production's powers than you, yet our course has ever been full of risk, and we can ill afford to be picky, that has always been the case.

So--Yes. This far. We have several available options in our plan, allies to see it through, and the possibility of our enemies letting go; remote, but still worth reaching for.

Every step you have fought for, with your heart, your belief, your willingness to look for new ways, to reach out to new people.

I feel we are closer than we have ever been. A long ways still, but one within a conceivable reach. And this is your doing, Hades.

Now I believe you are being overly optimistic. Would we have succeeded with Elidibus fading and the souls on the source becoming more powerful with each Rejoining?

[But he sighs, conceding.]

Do not think that I will fall into despair or that I you do not have my aid, my abilities. I will see it through to the end with all my might brought to bear.

Perhaps it is simply too much, too soon. Dealing with what Azem has become, my faith in the Scions shattered as I thought we had come to an accord even before arriving here, Elidibus, and now this.

Now would be the time when I would leave you to sleep for a century or more, but neither of us have the luxury.

I know I have you. But it is not your aid and abilities that I worry for, Emet-Selch.

It is your heart.

You are weary and rightly so. You got no rest after the Garlean empire as well, I believe? It has been long since you were allowed a moment's pause, and I cannot even give you one here. A few days of reprieve at best. It is not enough, not nearly, for all that has happened, the soul-wrenching revelations, all of it.

Rest. If only for the week, when we have dealt with the Scions, stay at my side and do nothing more complicated than make requests for dinner or music.

I will find no rest until the truth of what happened with Elidibus is revealed. I don't even care about the Scions. As we both have agreed, it is flimsy at best case.

Then tell me what I may do to help.

Your company. Why do you think I've stuck in BARiTONES these past few days unless I was dragged out for other reasons?

My presence you have always, whenever you desire it.

I confess I had not realized it was me you wished to stay close to. I will not leave your side until you are sick of my company.

I still feel guilty, but that does not mean I still don't desire your company. Nor do I want to monopolize it. You have made new friends after all.

Monopolize me. Truly do. I would greedily keep you to myself for as long as you allow.

[He strokes his fingertips over Emet's brows, tucking his hair back behind an ear.]

For your guilt, is there naught I can do until you see it for yourself?

What would you do, if you found yourself in my place?

Do you think I am not there already?

[He lifts a hand, looking at it and not Emet-Selch.]

It was I who conceived of Guardian Forces. I who laid the groundwork for Zodiark. Ultimately, I who decided that the plan, its heart, was more important than one life, or even many, hesitate though we all did. I who could not find another way.

And when he returned to us, and when the sundering was done. Who dragged you both along, eons on end, towards a hope you never quite believed and he was bound to without even a shred of himself left to understand why?

[He drops his hand gently, brushes it through Emet's hair.]

Do not mistake me. This is not self-pity.

Long have I known the torment you both endured. I am a stubborn, prideful man who cannot accept giving up, but I am not entirely deluded.

In truth I do not know how to answer, however. For even with you in front of me I have never quite known what to say. For all you have endured. For my failure to you, and to Elidibus.

I did not take your lives but it was as much the same. We have not been living, not truly. Being here makes me understand that.

So I wonder, even if you took his life with your own hands, could it be anything but the right decision? The kind one? The one I could not make. Another thing I left undone for you to set right.

Don't you--- don't you dare.

[He turns around to cup his face in both hands but it more of a vice grip than anything tender.]

None of us would be alive if it not for Lord Zodiark. Casting all aside for which people put blame at His feet, this is the truth. The Tempering, the Heart, the sacrifices... all was so that our people might live, that our star might live.

We would have come to an accord. We would have come together as a people in reason if not. For. Hydaelyn. The Sundering is not your fault nor is the madness that ensued after. None of that is yours to take the blame. We did as best we could with what broken pieces we had left.

Tell me that you understand this.

I do not contest that. But you cannot erase that it has been my suggestions, my drive, behind so much of this. We decided together, on Zodiark and later the Rejoinings. I will not contest that either.

But if your guilt is wondering was there another path? Was there something else to be done?

Was there, Hades? Was there anything else we could do, with Zodiark, with the sacrifices?

In the end, was there anything left of Elidibus?

No. The answer I always come to, the one you are insistent on with me, the one I would give you.

There was nothing else.

And yet neither of us can logic away guilt. Can keep from wondering had we but thought of something, if we had but one inspiration more...

We are neither of us very reasonable, when it comes to love.

Even if he was a sliver of his former self, a waning one at that, he is worth more than all the lives on all the stars put together. For all he gave, for all he tried to do, he deserved better.

But even before I knew of his fate, I could not imagine it. Him alone among the broken shards. With neither of us there to guide him. To remind him.

How did it come to this?

Of course he did.

[He cups Emet's cheeks, gentle.]

As did you. You both deserved... Deserve so much. So much more. So much happiness that was never yours.

Elidibus is not the only one who gave so much, Hades. You gave just as much, watching over us.

[He hesitates, starts to say something then stops. Then starts something else.]

Regardless of how, this is where we are. Elidibus would have entirely lost himself without us, without you. Yet the loneliness of isolation could not have been borne by any of us.

And yet still you are here, in my arms. I could not be any happier, selfishly, than to have you, to keep you with me, to revel in the joy of your presence. Even with Elidibus lost. Even with our goals not yet met.

So tell me, dearest friend, through your grief and guilt, what can I do to assuage your weary heart? How do I convince you that you are not to blame for you love?

Is there anything?

[He gently pulls away only so that he can lay on him and tuck his head under his chin.]

I do not believe there is or else I would have already sought it out. At least not until I know for sure.

But your presence helps. Your concern. Your words. Who else could I be so open with?

[He kisses the top of his head and tucks his chin there.]

... None of these things would I ever withhold from you, nor even imagine doing so. For you are as my heart.

But I had believed Five had more of your trust than this. Speak to me.

He does. If it was simply him, he would have it without question.

I'm simply tired of having to explain my existence. Having to barter, to temper my words, to show worth to those who do not deserve it.

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