firstworldproblem | IC Inbox (Imeeji)

I still feel guilty, but that does not mean I still don't desire your company. Nor do I want to monopolize it. You have made new friends after all.

Monopolize me. Truly do. I would greedily keep you to myself for as long as you allow.

[He strokes his fingertips over Emet's brows, tucking his hair back behind an ear.]

For your guilt, is there naught I can do until you see it for yourself?

What would you do, if you found yourself in my place?

Do you think I am not there already?

[He lifts a hand, looking at it and not Emet-Selch.]

It was I who conceived of Guardian Forces. I who laid the groundwork for Zodiark. Ultimately, I who decided that the plan, its heart, was more important than one life, or even many, hesitate though we all did. I who could not find another way.

And when he returned to us, and when the sundering was done. Who dragged you both along, eons on end, towards a hope you never quite believed and he was bound to without even a shred of himself left to understand why?

[He drops his hand gently, brushes it through Emet's hair.]

Do not mistake me. This is not self-pity.

Long have I known the torment you both endured. I am a stubborn, prideful man who cannot accept giving up, but I am not entirely deluded.

In truth I do not know how to answer, however. For even with you in front of me I have never quite known what to say. For all you have endured. For my failure to you, and to Elidibus.

I did not take your lives but it was as much the same. We have not been living, not truly. Being here makes me understand that.

So I wonder, even if you took his life with your own hands, could it be anything but the right decision? The kind one? The one I could not make. Another thing I left undone for you to set right.

Don't you--- don't you dare.

[He turns around to cup his face in both hands but it more of a vice grip than anything tender.]

None of us would be alive if it not for Lord Zodiark. Casting all aside for which people put blame at His feet, this is the truth. The Tempering, the Heart, the sacrifices... all was so that our people might live, that our star might live.

We would have come to an accord. We would have come together as a people in reason if not. For. Hydaelyn. The Sundering is not your fault nor is the madness that ensued after. None of that is yours to take the blame. We did as best we could with what broken pieces we had left.

Tell me that you understand this.

I do not contest that. But you cannot erase that it has been my suggestions, my drive, behind so much of this. We decided together, on Zodiark and later the Rejoinings. I will not contest that either.

But if your guilt is wondering was there another path? Was there something else to be done?

Was there, Hades? Was there anything else we could do, with Zodiark, with the sacrifices?

In the end, was there anything left of Elidibus?

No. The answer I always come to, the one you are insistent on with me, the one I would give you.

There was nothing else.

And yet neither of us can logic away guilt. Can keep from wondering had we but thought of something, if we had but one inspiration more...

We are neither of us very reasonable, when it comes to love.

Even if he was a sliver of his former self, a waning one at that, he is worth more than all the lives on all the stars put together. For all he gave, for all he tried to do, he deserved better.

But even before I knew of his fate, I could not imagine it. Him alone among the broken shards. With neither of us there to guide him. To remind him.

How did it come to this?

Of course he did.

[He cups Emet's cheeks, gentle.]

As did you. You both deserved... Deserve so much. So much more. So much happiness that was never yours.

Elidibus is not the only one who gave so much, Hades. You gave just as much, watching over us.

[He hesitates, starts to say something then stops. Then starts something else.]

Regardless of how, this is where we are. Elidibus would have entirely lost himself without us, without you. Yet the loneliness of isolation could not have been borne by any of us.

And yet still you are here, in my arms. I could not be any happier, selfishly, than to have you, to keep you with me, to revel in the joy of your presence. Even with Elidibus lost. Even with our goals not yet met.

So tell me, dearest friend, through your grief and guilt, what can I do to assuage your weary heart? How do I convince you that you are not to blame for you love?

Is there anything?

[He gently pulls away only so that he can lay on him and tuck his head under his chin.]

I do not believe there is or else I would have already sought it out. At least not until I know for sure.

But your presence helps. Your concern. Your words. Who else could I be so open with?

[He kisses the top of his head and tucks his chin there.]

... None of these things would I ever withhold from you, nor even imagine doing so. For you are as my heart.

But I had believed Five had more of your trust than this. Speak to me.

He does. If it was simply him, he would have it without question.

I'm simply tired of having to explain my existence. Having to barter, to temper my words, to show worth to those who do not deserve it.

[He strokes his hair gently, soothing.]

That... is understandable. There is much and more to be weary of. And you have worked long and hard, the burdens heavy.

We will need to watch the influences of the Scions more carefully. Even if they do not act themselves, their words could spur others to move. And it is not as if their hands are clean.

But from the point I stray. I worry Five will unknowingly compromise himself. And if he does, the blame will fall to us for leading him astray.

And it is simply tiring as we collect concerns more than we shed them.

Mm. None of this can or would I deny. So rest a while with me. What is beyond our control for now cannot be changed even with our anxieties.

You have always made a delightful pillow.

And it is raw. Once the shock of it burns away, it will be better. This is hardly the most insurmountable problem in front of us.

Indeed. There is much that is raw right now. Relaxation will help. Perhaps I should rub your back and pamper you thoroughly?

No desire to be doted on yourself? This must bother you as well.

I do rather derive enjoyment from doting on you. With all the care you give myself and others it is satisfying to see you relax in turn.

I suppose if I can return the favor another time. But you did so nicely upgrade the bath.

[Running fingers through his hair.]

And I doubt you mind that I've been filling it with more than the normal fair of product.

Of course. And I have been using them, they've been nice.

[Actually his hair is probably more silky than it's been in a while! After like a week of putting actually nice product in it instead of whatever nonsense he usually tosses in his hair and calls it good.]

[Standing up and offering his hand.]

Come then.

[He will take the hand up! Letting Emet lead the way.]

[He's going to take him to the now luxurious bathroom and draw it up to temperatures exceedingly warm. While the tub fills he will go look at all the random products he has bought while shooing Lahabrea to get undressed.]

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