I don't remember the particulars, yet, if they were ever made known to me at all. I know my brother has to do with it all. It's why he was created and he is the best result they've managed so far.
I'd like to think we are. It is easier to speak to him, and I think we are finally both able to leave expectations behind. But I worry I simply cannot help him in the way he needs.
Though even if they were not, you all give me too much credit. I can pull up someone who desires to be helped. Those who simply need to be pushed onto a different path.
But when it comes to those who have trouble at finding worth in themselves or are stubbornly set on their path, well, I've watched more than one falter and fall.
Hmmm...I dunno. The philosophies, yes, that's fair, and I do not mean to undermine the wisdom of your latter point. It isn't that I disagree with that, to be clear. It isn't that I think you're infallible either, far from it. But...how do I put this...
You're very kind. You care at your core, everything you do falls back to that. That's kind of your whole thing. And Vivi...needs to feel connected to people. To love and be loved. All that other stuff isn't unimportant but it's also...just noise. Static. It just needs to be fine-tuned is all, to find the right wavelength.
I dunno. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I guess I just have faith that you'll work it out, and that you're more capable than you think you are.
[She starts a little, as though she almost forgets he was there at all]
Oh, uh, I do, but you weren't really asking for any of that were you? Sorry.
[She rubs the back of her head sheepishly. She's silent a moment, considering, but no she really does want to say it.]
Buuuut one last thing, since I'm already here. [She rolls her eyes at herself.] You're a problem solver and there's the rub, ironically. By trying to solve it conventionally you're only going to create more problems. He'd be grateful for the help, but that would just be one more tally on how you're so much more capable than he is. You know you're not infallible, but consider this from Vivi's perspective. You have all the memories, all the knowledge, all the answers.
Yes, you have your reasons and yes, he could stand to be more patient, but at the end of the day, it's not hard to understand why he's like that--he's so desperate to try and catch up to you.
He just wants to be your friend.
And he can't do that when things remain so unbalanced between you, even if you've both discarded expectations of the other. I said it wasn't going to be easy, and I meant it. I cannot begin to imagine everything you've been through, and I'm not about to trivialise it, and who you let in is your choice, obviously. But the best way to bridge the gap, I think, is if you're someone he can relate to a little better. If you're--wait for it--vulnerable.
[She makes a face, and then smiles wryly as she brings her thumb and forefinger close together without touching, and then rubs them together like she's seasoning something.]
Just a bit. A pinch. A sprinkle, as a treat. At least to start.
[The first part he listens, too. It's good advice and she can clearly see it on his face. Have him solve problems. Check! At the second there is something uncharitable that crosses his features. It takes him a moment to reign it in before he sighs.]
Your first point has merit. I will see how to best utilize it.
As for your second...
I have been told this many times before by others. And being slightly vulnerable does not help. That I already provide. What you are truly asking for is something deeper.
When I had that particularly bad game, we had a lot of visitors. I received more than one comment that my distress made them feel closer or at least I was more open. Does my honesty and sincerity at other times count for so little? Why is it that despair brings us closer but happiness felt so strongly does not?
So then I begin to question why does the vulnerability, the sadness the path preferred. And I don't like the answers I've come up with.
Whatever you think or feel is perfectly valid and I do want to hear it because you've already provided something for me to chew on that I did not consider. But it's not that your sincerity and honesty don't count for anything. You could just easily not bother. They matter, please do not think otherwise. [She means to sound more reassuring than scolding.]
They're just different things. Happiness does bring people together, absolutely, but so can negative things. It's all about dimensions. People have them and so relationships must, as well. It isn't that anyone wants you to or delights in your suffering, but they want to be there for you when it happens, to know that they can be trusted to help you through difficult times, even if it just means listening or being there, and that goes double for if you've helped them and continue to. Relationships need to be give and take, and ones that only share in the good aren't terribly deep.
Even among the Ascians, I tended to work alone forgoing the model of paired work. There is that which I hide from Cosmo.
Difficult games are one thing, but I don't think that is what you are asking. I worry he pushes himself too far. He has his own pain and worrying that he must work through, and he can't even use my own difficulties as a distraction so tightly entwined that they are.
[she will just pretend she knows what an ascian is because it's not something he's discussed with her--something to come back to later, perhaps. Hearing that he hides things from Cosmo does surprise her but it also doesn't, or perhaps it's easier to say it's a surprise that she takes quickly in stride. She loves Emet-Selch, she means that, but there's so much about him that she does not know.]
He does, yes, but he is resilient, more than he gives himself credit for.
[She thinks this is a conversation that is very much needed, but, privately, she cannot deny her own hypocrisy in having it. She will resolve to do better, later, right now, she is focused on the dialogue.]
Let's take a step back. You mention his pain and worrying. What do you think he worries about?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I think these are conversations you should have with him. To figure out what you want and what he wants. To talk it through together.
no subject
[she runs a hand through her hair.]
I don't want him to be unhappy, he already deals with so much without my adding to it. So much.
no subject
If experience tells us anything.
no subject
that's a lesson she doesn't need to learn.]
Probably. [she sighs]
The truth is just so lame, sometimes. You don't have to tell me details, obviously, but are you two doing better, Emecchi?
no subject
I'd like to think we are. It is easier to speak to him, and I think we are finally both able to leave expectations behind. But I worry I simply cannot help him in the way he needs.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Though even if they were not, you all give me too much credit. I can pull up someone who desires to be helped. Those who simply need to be pushed onto a different path.
But when it comes to those who have trouble at finding worth in themselves or are stubbornly set on their path, well, I've watched more than one falter and fall.
no subject
You're very kind. You care at your core, everything you do falls back to that. That's kind of your whole thing. And Vivi...needs to feel connected to people. To love and be loved. All that other stuff isn't unimportant but it's also...just noise. Static. It just needs to be fine-tuned is all, to find the right wavelength.
I dunno. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I guess I just have faith that you'll work it out, and that you're more capable than you think you are.
[She's looking ahead, deeply thoughtful.]
Hmm...
no subject
It seems you have more thoughts on the subject.
no subject
Oh, uh, I do, but you weren't really asking for any of that were you? Sorry.
[She rubs the back of her head sheepishly. She's silent a moment, considering, but no she really does want to say it.]
Buuuut one last thing, since I'm already here. [She rolls her eyes at herself.] You're a problem solver and there's the rub, ironically. By trying to solve it conventionally you're only going to create more problems. He'd be grateful for the help, but that would just be one more tally on how you're so much more capable than he is. You know you're not infallible, but consider this from Vivi's perspective. You have all the memories, all the knowledge, all the answers.
Yes, you have your reasons and yes, he could stand to be more patient, but at the end of the day, it's not hard to understand why he's like that--he's so desperate to try and catch up to you.
He just wants to be your friend.
And he can't do that when things remain so unbalanced between you, even if you've both discarded expectations of the other. I said it wasn't going to be easy, and I meant it. I cannot begin to imagine everything you've been through, and I'm not about to trivialise it, and who you let in is your choice, obviously. But the best way to bridge the gap, I think, is if you're someone he can relate to a little better. If you're--wait for it--vulnerable.
[She makes a face, and then smiles wryly as she brings her thumb and forefinger close together without touching, and then rubs them together like she's seasoning something.]
Just a bit. A pinch. A sprinkle, as a treat. At least to start.
no subject
I will take it under advisement.
no subject
no subject
As for your second...
I have been told this many times before by others. And being slightly vulnerable does not help. That I already provide. What you are truly asking for is something deeper.
When I had that particularly bad game, we had a lot of visitors. I received more than one comment that my distress made them feel closer or at least I was more open. Does my honesty and sincerity at other times count for so little? Why is it that despair brings us closer but happiness felt so strongly does not?
So then I begin to question why does the vulnerability, the sadness the path preferred. And I don't like the answers I've come up with.
no subject
What conclusions have you come to?
no subject
no subject
They're just different things. Happiness does bring people together, absolutely, but so can negative things. It's all about dimensions. People have them and so relationships must, as well. It isn't that anyone wants you to or delights in your suffering, but they want to be there for you when it happens, to know that they can be trusted to help you through difficult times, even if it just means listening or being there, and that goes double for if you've helped them and continue to. Relationships need to be give and take, and ones that only share in the good aren't terribly deep.
no subject
Difficult games are one thing, but I don't think that is what you are asking. I worry he pushes himself too far. He has his own pain and worrying that he must work through, and he can't even use my own difficulties as a distraction so tightly entwined that they are.
Thus the weight simply compounds.
no subject
He does, yes, but he is resilient, more than he gives himself credit for.
[She thinks this is a conversation that is very much needed, but, privately, she cannot deny her own hypocrisy in having it. She will resolve to do better, later, right now, she is focused on the dialogue.]
Let's take a step back. You mention his pain and worrying. What do you think he worries about?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)