[ He's not entirely sure he buys it, because of course he worries Emet is just pushing himself to be accepting, even if nothing is truly coming out of this. But eventually he nods ]
I know you're trying so I won't scold you too much for witholding your thoughts. But promise me you will keep trying to be open, no matter how ugly it is.
I don't need you to always be. I just need you to try.
I do not wish to hide them, but in this instance I am not even sure how to articulate them. It feels as if I am putting blame rightfully belonging to others onto you.
It’s been a time since I’ve been at a loss for words.
[ he hums at the words, and then leans in to kiss his lips, gentle and soft ]
Whenever I'm at a loss for words and don't know how to articulate my feelings, I find that simply talking with you helps me get there. I won't get offended if while letting it out you make it sound like you're blaming me, Hades.
And I certainly won't leave you for it. No action needs to come out of it. I simply want to make sure these things won't fester inside of you. We can understand them together.
[ it's his turn to take his hand to kiss the knuckles, and then he'll just squeeze it gently ]
I'm not pushing you. Just keep in mind I'm here to listen. Even your most unreasonable ramble.
Why must you make logical sense? It is almost if you learned it from someone.
[And his attempt at a scoff is so obviously shallow as he does blush at both gesture ever so slightly.]
Do you know how much time awake and dreaming I do scheme how to keep your attention? No longer am I running empires or orchestrating Rejoinings that most of my free time now falls to you.
Caeli is a variable with great potential for both satisfaction and disaster. Thus of course I would be both accepting and irritated by it.
And you aren’t the first to utter such words to me, and I’ve berated myself for believing them before.
All this and I even like Caeli and am aware I am simply being unfair to both of you which in itself feels like a failure.
[ It takes him a not insignificant amount of will power not to just laugh when he says he has to scheme to keep his attention, because the only reason he's not constantly attached to him is that he doesn't want to be overbearing. And yet here Emet is, worrying that he needs to work to get him to look at him.
But this is a serious insecurity, so he needs to take it as such. ]
I learned from the best.
But now that you've voiced these feelings we can try potential solutions to them and to break them apart to analyze them.
To start with. I am aware that though you don't doubt my feelings, fulling believing me when I say I love you and I will stay by your side won't be possible any time soon. And that it has nothing to do with me, much less with Caeli.
You don't have to believe you're being unfair because you're feeling threatened by past experience. You're already acknowledging that it's not rational. This will take time.
Caeli is a variable neither of us predicted, but I don't intend to act on this crush. I don't think I'll tell him about it, either, especially because I imagine he won't react well to it. I need to find a way to handle this, but whatever it will be, it's something I'll discuss with you.
And finally ... you already have my attention. The last thing you need to do is scheme to keep it. From now on we will be meeting at the same hour, every day, at the same spot. It doesn't matter what we do, but it'll be time we keep for ourselves alone.
How does that sound? Before we try to go over why you are feeling this way.
I know. You had me wrapped around your finger the moment we started using each other, even if I hated to admit it. It is why your trust score was so low to start.
[ he'll move so he can sit on his lap once more, just wanting to stay close to him, his arm going around his shoulder ]
Do you want to try to express why you may be feeling the way you do? You don't have to talk about it further now. Only if you think it'd help.
[He attempts to feed him a bite to see if he even likes it because he is aware of his stance on sweets.]
The source can be pinpointed to the final days, the Sundering, that all of my people are gone, or I was killed by a by the shattered soul of one of my dearest friends.
Do you really wish to delve into any of those so early in the morning?
You really ought to applaud yourself that your continued presence is one of the reasons I even bother getting up in the morning.
[ He does eat that piece, not minding it too much even if he doesn't normally eat sweets. But then Emet is telling him that and he doesn't know if he should worry or feel relieved. ]
Well. You have many reasons to wake up every morning, but I'm glad I am one of them. I'd chide you for it but to be honest I'm not in a much different situation.
[ he'll kiss his cheek, and then grab the fork again so he can be the one to feed emet ]
You won't lose me. And you've promised that if I were to die untimely, you'd come get my soul. I am holding you to that.
I suppose you are right. I will have this cake to look forward to at least for the next few days.
[He takes the bite chewing with thought before he smears some of the chocolate mess on the counter on Five’s cheek so he can lick it off.]
I will survive a little jealousy. Do not doubt how much we’ve enriched each other’s lives. I imagine what fluttering swells in my breast when I am with you is echoed in your own. But yes, I will claim your soul. Of that you need not worry.
And … thank you. I am reassured. By your words. Your presence. Your love and care.
[ There's a small, fond smile when he smears the chocolate on his face, though of course he blushes when he licks it off ]
Imagine how much more effective my declarations of love would be if the cake was in any decent state. It does ruin the moment somewhat.
But I will always be here to help you. And you can rest assured that I will always share with you any worry I may have. Even when they have the potential of triggering jealousy.
So. You won't be blindsided by anything. In case that was a worry.
... Yes. Well. Part of it at least. I still don't know what to do about all this, and the rest of my worries were over whether I'd end up losing control or not.
I keep picturing the worst case scenarios ... and among those is trying to hurt you. But I do have to face this sooner or later ...
[ he nods, and then just rests his head against him ]
I sent you that message because I wanted to talk, but also because being with you just soothes all my worries. I guess this was my scheme to get you to help me sleep.
I would offer to you assistance in relieving your violence, but I imagine attacking me would make it worse. But if you find it does help, I can hold my own.
[He picks him up and carries him to the bed placing him on the edge. He will help him dress into night clothes if he isn’t already.]
[ He was definitely still in day clothes so he'll have to help him in night ones. He lets him as usual, because he likes being pampered by him ]
I'm not sleeping yet. I want you to read to me. Just to keep hearing the sound of your voice.
[ a pause, then he adds ]
Maybe if after this I feel like I have a good handle on it. It isn't as if I think Caeli is expendable and if I end up trying to kill him it won't be an issue, but — the emotional impact will be different.
[He actually orders two books. One is poetry. The other is a thick tome of fiction.]
You said you experiment with him as well, correct? That might make it easier. And I do not doubt that it will affect you. You do not enjoy harming others even if this urge inside you makes it exciting in the moment. And even if you did, it would not matter.
[He kisses his head and kicks off his shoes before joining him in bed.]
You would accept me no matter what. It does help, knowing that. I worry about losing control but I haven't worried about you rejecting me for it for a while now. I suppose it finally stuck.
[He kisses his forehead and wraps one arm around him as he opens the book with his other hand.]
Do tell me how the experimentation turns out if there is aught of note. I could ask about the other experiments you are trying, but I imagine you would go quite red. And while that in of itself is charming, I'll spare you this early morning.
[ Well apparently just saying that is enough to get him red, so good job Emet. But he does clear his throat trying to hide that ]
Right. Speaking of that I may have accidentally told him about some details of our encounters. Well. A specific one really, I told him about our experience in dreams, with your other form.
I was trying to be vague but I ended up being a little more specific than I would have liked. I didn't realize at the time that I'd be embarrassed if the opposite had happened, and you told someone else.
[That is adorable and he can't help but run his fingers over his reddened cheeks.]
I wasn't aware that particular encounter was noteworthy enough. What about it did stand out?
While I am charmed by the apology, there is no need. If it helps provide ideas for your experimentation, then do discuss them. Honestly, I would be more embarrassed if you described the copious amounts of bullying you employ rather than those acts.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: 389 morning
I know you're trying so I won't scold you too much for witholding your thoughts. But promise me you will keep trying to be open, no matter how ugly it is.
I don't need you to always be. I just need you to try.
Re: 389 morning
[Then he shakes his head with a little sigh.]
I do not wish to hide them, but in this instance I am not even sure how to articulate them. It feels as if I am putting blame rightfully belonging to others onto you.
It’s been a time since I’ve been at a loss for words.
Re: 389 morning
Whenever I'm at a loss for words and don't know how to articulate my feelings, I find that simply talking with you helps me get there. I won't get offended if while letting it out you make it sound like you're blaming me, Hades.
And I certainly won't leave you for it. No action needs to come out of it. I simply want to make sure these things won't fester inside of you. We can understand them together.
[ it's his turn to take his hand to kiss the knuckles, and then he'll just squeeze it gently ]
I'm not pushing you. Just keep in mind I'm here to listen. Even your most unreasonable ramble.
Re: 389 morning
[And his attempt at a scoff is so obviously shallow as he does blush at both gesture ever so slightly.]
Do you know how much time awake and dreaming I do scheme how to keep your attention? No longer am I running empires or orchestrating Rejoinings that most of my free time now falls to you.
Caeli is a variable with great potential for both satisfaction and disaster. Thus of course I would be both accepting and irritated by it.
And you aren’t the first to utter such words to me, and I’ve berated myself for believing them before.
All this and I even like Caeli and am aware I am simply being unfair to both of you which in itself feels like a failure.
Re: 389 morning
But this is a serious insecurity, so he needs to take it as such. ]
I learned from the best.
But now that you've voiced these feelings we can try potential solutions to them and to break them apart to analyze them.
To start with. I am aware that though you don't doubt my feelings, fulling believing me when I say I love you and I will stay by your side won't be possible any time soon. And that it has nothing to do with me, much less with Caeli.
You don't have to believe you're being unfair because you're feeling threatened by past experience. You're already acknowledging that it's not rational. This will take time.
Caeli is a variable neither of us predicted, but I don't intend to act on this crush. I don't think I'll tell him about it, either, especially because I imagine he won't react well to it. I need to find a way to handle this, but whatever it will be, it's something I'll discuss with you.
And finally ... you already have my attention. The last thing you need to do is scheme to keep it. From now on we will be meeting at the same hour, every day, at the same spot. It doesn't matter what we do, but it'll be time we keep for ourselves alone.
How does that sound? Before we try to go over why you are feeling this way.
Re: 389 morning
To be clear, you are not getting out of being the object of my scheming. It will always be a favored past time.
But one addition.
If he ever becomes possessive over you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, I am the one that gets to throw him off a roof.
[Promise of violence against Five for his sake worked for Lahabrea. Maybe it will work for him.]
Re: 389 morning
Very well. I'll allow you to scheme so long as it's not stressful, and you're aware that I barely need a glance from you to pay you attention.
And yes. I will let you throw him off a roof if he makes me uncomfortable at any point.
Re: 389 morning
And just so we are perfectly clear I do have high confidence in my ability to scheme. That is part of the reason you had a high trust score to start.
You are simply too charming which makes for a more unpredictable variable.
[Because he doesn’t have as much pride as some of the old men, but he still has it.]
Re: 389 morning
[ he'll move so he can sit on his lap once more, just wanting to stay close to him, his arm going around his shoulder ]
Do you want to try to express why you may be feeling the way you do? You don't have to talk about it further now. Only if you think it'd help.
Re: 389 morning
The source can be pinpointed to the final days, the Sundering, that all of my people are gone, or I was killed by a by the shattered soul of one of my dearest friends.
Do you really wish to delve into any of those so early in the morning?
You really ought to applaud yourself that your continued presence is one of the reasons I even bother getting up in the morning.
Re: 389 morning
Well. You have many reasons to wake up every morning, but I'm glad I am one of them. I'd chide you for it but to be honest I'm not in a much different situation.
[ he'll kiss his cheek, and then grab the fork again so he can be the one to feed emet ]
You won't lose me. And you've promised that if I were to die untimely, you'd come get my soul. I am holding you to that.
Re: 389 morning
[He takes the bite chewing with thought before he smears some of the chocolate mess on the counter on Five’s cheek so he can lick it off.]
I will survive a little jealousy. Do not doubt how much we’ve enriched each other’s lives. I imagine what fluttering swells in my breast when I am with you is echoed in your own. But yes, I will claim your soul. Of that you need not worry.
And … thank you. I am reassured. By your words. Your presence. Your love and care.
Re: 389 morning
Imagine how much more effective my declarations of love would be if the cake was in any decent state. It does ruin the moment somewhat.
But I will always be here to help you. And you can rest assured that I will always share with you any worry I may have. Even when they have the potential of triggering jealousy.
So. You won't be blindsided by anything. In case that was a worry.
Re: 389 morning
[He rests his head against him.]
In that I do trust you implicitly to tell me. Sometimes in words. Sometimes in actions. But I ever have faith that you will.
Was this worry why you were up last night?
Re: 389 morning
I keep picturing the worst case scenarios ... and among those is trying to hurt you. But I do have to face this sooner or later ...
Re: 389 morning
[He puts the plate to the side so he can wrap his arms more fully around him.]
I know you will blame yourself if that happens, but I will not. You try with all your heart.
Is there naught I can do to help?
Re: 389 morning
I sent you that message because I wanted to talk, but also because being with you just soothes all my worries. I guess this was my scheme to get you to help me sleep.
Re: 389 morning
[He picks him up and carries him to the bed placing him on the edge. He will help him dress into night clothes if he isn’t already.]
I’ll clean up the kitchen after you’ve rested.
Re: 389 morning
I'm not sleeping yet. I want you to read to me. Just to keep hearing the sound of your voice.
[ a pause, then he adds ]
Maybe if after this I feel like I have a good handle on it. It isn't as if I think Caeli is expendable and if I end up trying to kill him it won't be an issue, but — the emotional impact will be different.
Re: 389 morning
You said you experiment with him as well, correct? That might make it easier. And I do not doubt that it will affect you. You do not enjoy harming others even if this urge inside you makes it exciting in the moment. And even if you did, it would not matter.
[He kisses his head and kicks off his shoes before joining him in bed.]
Re: 389 morning
Re: 389 morning
[He kisses his forehead and wraps one arm around him as he opens the book with his other hand.]
Do tell me how the experimentation turns out if there is aught of note. I could ask about the other experiments you are trying, but I imagine you would go quite red. And while that in of itself is charming, I'll spare you this early morning.
Re: 389 morning
Right. Speaking of that I may have accidentally told him about some details of our encounters. Well. A specific one really, I told him about our experience in dreams, with your other form.
I was trying to be vague but I ended up being a little more specific than I would have liked. I didn't realize at the time that I'd be embarrassed if the opposite had happened, and you told someone else.
So I do owe you an apology.
Re: 389 morning
I wasn't aware that particular encounter was noteworthy enough. What about it did stand out?
While I am charmed by the apology, there is no need. If it helps provide ideas for your experimentation, then do discuss them. Honestly, I would be more embarrassed if you described the copious amounts of bullying you employ rather than those acts.
Re: 389 morning
And you needn't worry - I will allow only Lahabrea to know how adorable you get when you're bullied.
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