firstworldproblem | IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

Oh, I am impressed. It tastes as good as you described and the thought behind it is rather warming.

[He opens mouth again to be fed.]

[ There's a small smile at that, and he'll cut another piece before feeding it to him again ]

I think you weren't entirely wrong about me and Caeli. Lately ... there have been a few instances in which I thought I may have developed a crush after all.

But my feelings on a relationship have not changed. And if anything I want to suppress those thoughts as much as possible.

I know you're jealous, and I don't want to make it worse. But I can feel myself panicking and you're not just my lover and partner, you're also my closest and dearest friend. I need your point of view.

[ a pause, then he adds ]

And part of me does feel as though I'm hurting you just for having any sort of emotional attachment to him.

[He does pause for a moment. He knew they were getting close and he’s just beginning to realize after seeing him as an adult that he truly has no idea how far the relationship has grown.

But after that moment he takes his hand and tries to catch his gaze.]

You are going to have emotional attachment to others. Nothing I can say will change that. And it should not. The last thing I want to do is stifle your growth. Not now. Not when you can finally blossom.

Of course I will be jealous. Especially with someone as charming as Caeli. If I did not like him and see how he does bring out a side of you, I would not be worried about him.

You know my history, my worries, my fears. There are few I would share such depths with. As aptly stated you are my dear friend as well.

But put that all aside for a moment. Tell me. What do you want?

He does bring out a spontaneous and reckless attitude from me that I hadn't experienced since I was actually young. Which is exciting, of course, but it does have some downsides. I take stupid decisions and end up taking potions too often, for one.

[ a pause, then he continues ]

I've asked him if he'd be interested in me trying — ... my more violent urges on him. He's agreed and even gave me a knife to use on him alone.

But I haven't made up my mind yet on whether I want to go through with it or not.

That's a second stupid decision. Logically I should not risk losing control but what if it helps? Violence is the last thing I want to inflict on you or Lahabrea, but he enjoys it.

[ he's looked away as he talked about this, but now he does meet his gaze ]

I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want.

You never had a childhood. A time you could be reckless and foolish and carefree. None of you truly did.

So while my initial thought was to tell you to be more rational about potions and knives, I believe I will rescind. Truly there is no better place than here to experiment. Be spontaneous and reckless knowing it can be detrimental but I believe we can manage keeping that in the short term.

Your idea about violence could be right. I rather you would have selected Vergil as I don’t trust Caeli enough to know when your limit is reached. However, you know him enough, and I will trust your judgement on this. And if it helps then there is no drawback.

[He holds onto his hand a lightly too tightly but he kisses his forehead gently.]

Do you feel more at ease?

I’ve asked him about it in an intimate context, I can’t ask Vergil about that. Otherwise he would have been my choice.

[ he’ll squeeze his hand back, and then rest his forehead against him ]

I always feel more at ease with you, but I worry that you’re hiding your feelings.

I am. A flaw of mine and habit that I can’t seem to break. I never could even muster the courage to talk to Elidibus face to face after Lahabrea’s death.

[He sighs.]

You are going to stray or make yourself absolutely miserable trying not to. There are no doubts I have about the love we share, but Delores aside, I am your first. And while you confidently tell me I am all that you desire, how can you know? The simple truth is you cannot. Not without more experience.

I know this and I encourage it, but I will never be ready for it. I am the pessimist in the relationship after all.

In the end it is jealousy and fear. Feelings of inadequacies that I can only chide myself for. I’m sure you can understand.

[ He'll move back so he can flick his forehead at that admission ]

If you hide your feelings then I obviously won't be able to come to you when I need. You always scold me if I try to do so so don't do the same.

With that said.

[ he'll stroke the back of his hand with his thumb, gentle despite how tightly he was holding it just a moment ago ]

If I compare these feelings to the experience I have had, they're more aligned to what I felt for Lahabrea when we were still just flirting, than to what I feel and have felt for you before I accepted my feelings.

To be honest, if you hadn't intervened back then and propose to have him watch us I may have panicked the same way. But the difference is that I was already emotionally close to Lahabrea, and the additional attraction I felt for him was physical. For Caeli, it all started with physical attraction, and now I find myself protective of him.

Whatever it is I feel I don't know how to name it. The closest thing I could think of was a crush. But even then, I do still mean it when I said I don't want anyone else, not that way. And it isn't just because I like the thought about being yours. From a practical standpoint, getting involved with anyone else would only lead to a disaster. At the way I'm going, with all these ties I'm forming, my heart is not going to be in a much better shape than yours.

I know jealousy is irrational, but you have nothing to feel inadequate for. If anything. You are constantly far more than I could ever possibly deserve in a thousand lifetimes. But I know just saying that won't help.

[ There is a long pause, and he adds ]

He told me he's dying — outside of here — and I told him I'll stop it.

Edited 2021-08-04 10:23 (UTC)

[He makes a face which was probably expected.]

I can’t even counter as a deterrent that you would deal with many petty and depressed thoughts would I be so open. For I imagine that is exactly what you want.

But do not doubt I am more open with you than even Lahabrea. And I am working on it.

[He pauses for a long moment as he listens. Carefully and with care he gives only to a select few.]

I do hope you’ll be enlisting our aide in that. What is one more soul? It should not surprise me, you are unconventional about it after all, but you do want happiness for everyone.

As for jealousy, mine is a factor as is his. I can easily see him become over protective and territorial due to his competitive nature. However, I also know you enjoy such possessiveness.

[And the next part he struggles with. Why the jealousy and pessimism is so drowning. Azem. One section of your utopian society shattering the other. How all these feelings are connected to Five.

Perhaps in the end it is simply a lost trust of hope.]

As much as I wish it, love is not enough at times.

[Not the best answer, but he can’t think of a better one.]

Edited 2021-08-04 20:01 (UTC)

[ It's a little worrying to hear emet say "love is not enough at times". It's not out of character, he knows Emet is more pessimistic than he is, but it feels so odd to hear him say that to him. And part of him is genuinely worrying about whether he should have kept this to himself, knowing that he's struggling with jealousy. Was it the wrong choice after all? But if he can't talk to Emet, then who? ]

I would let the whole world burn and everyone in it for you. It's obviously not a choice to be made. But if there was a choice to make, I would choose you.

My family is the only thing I'd ever put above you.

You know that, right?

I’ve worried you, haven’t I?

[He brings his hand to his lips kissing the knuckles.]

I know. You have proved it in actions, words, and deeds a hundred times over.

Do not mind these petty thoughts as most of them do evaporate in your presence. I entrusted you with my heart, and you have done nothing but but nurtured it even when it was difficult.

Of course I'm worried. The last thing I want is to be the one to hurt you.

Even if you want to see me blossom that doesn't have to translate in you suffering on your own. Keep that in mind too. I love you and nothing will ever change that.

I am not suffering. Truly. How miserable I would be without you in my life.

[He cups his face.]

Is there any way I can turn this into a flattering form of possessiveness?

[ He's not entirely sure he buys it, because of course he worries Emet is just pushing himself to be accepting, even if nothing is truly coming out of this. But eventually he nods ]

I know you're trying so I won't scold you too much for witholding your thoughts. But promise me you will keep trying to be open, no matter how ugly it is.

I don't need you to always be. I just need you to try.

I promise. Though do not expect much coherency.

[Then he shakes his head with a little sigh.]

I do not wish to hide them, but in this instance I am not even sure how to articulate them. It feels as if I am putting blame rightfully belonging to others onto you.

It’s been a time since I’ve been at a loss for words.

[ he hums at the words, and then leans in to kiss his lips, gentle and soft ]

Whenever I'm at a loss for words and don't know how to articulate my feelings, I find that simply talking with you helps me get there. I won't get offended if while letting it out you make it sound like you're blaming me, Hades.

And I certainly won't leave you for it. No action needs to come out of it. I simply want to make sure these things won't fester inside of you. We can understand them together.

[ it's his turn to take his hand to kiss the knuckles, and then he'll just squeeze it gently ]

I'm not pushing you. Just keep in mind I'm here to listen. Even your most unreasonable ramble.

Why must you make logical sense? It is almost if you learned it from someone.

[And his attempt at a scoff is so obviously shallow as he does blush at both gesture ever so slightly.]

Do you know how much time awake and dreaming I do scheme how to keep your attention? No longer am I running empires or orchestrating Rejoinings that most of my free time now falls to you.

Caeli is a variable with great potential for both satisfaction and disaster. Thus of course I would be both accepting and irritated by it.

And you aren’t the first to utter such words to me, and I’ve berated myself for believing them before.

All this and I even like Caeli and am aware I am simply being unfair to both of you which in itself feels like a failure.

[ It takes him a not insignificant amount of will power not to just laugh when he says he has to scheme to keep his attention, because the only reason he's not constantly attached to him is that he doesn't want to be overbearing. And yet here Emet is, worrying that he needs to work to get him to look at him.

But this is a serious insecurity, so he needs to take it as such. ]

I learned from the best.

But now that you've voiced these feelings we can try potential solutions to them and to break them apart to analyze them.

To start with. I am aware that though you don't doubt my feelings, fulling believing me when I say I love you and I will stay by your side won't be possible any time soon. And that it has nothing to do with me, much less with Caeli.

You don't have to believe you're being unfair because you're feeling threatened by past experience. You're already acknowledging that it's not rational. This will take time.

Caeli is a variable neither of us predicted, but I don't intend to act on this crush. I don't think I'll tell him about it, either, especially because I imagine he won't react well to it. I need to find a way to handle this, but whatever it will be, it's something I'll discuss with you.

And finally ... you already have my attention. The last thing you need to do is scheme to keep it. From now on we will be meeting at the same hour, every day, at the same spot. It doesn't matter what we do, but it'll be time we keep for ourselves alone.

How does that sound? Before we try to go over why you are feeling this way.

[How can it be that Five Hargreeves is so reasonable?]

To be clear, you are not getting out of being the object of my scheming. It will always be a favored past time.

But one addition.

If he ever becomes possessive over you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, I am the one that gets to throw him off a roof.

[Promise of violence against Five for his sake worked for Lahabrea. Maybe it will work for him.]

[ He shoudln't find that charming and yet here he is. ]

Very well. I'll allow you to scheme so long as it's not stressful, and you're aware that I barely need a glance from you to pay you attention.

And yes. I will let you throw him off a roof if he makes me uncomfortable at any point.

[He kisses his cheek before moving over to pick up that slice of cake he was being fed from.]

And just so we are perfectly clear I do have high confidence in my ability to scheme. That is part of the reason you had a high trust score to start.

You are simply too charming which makes for a more unpredictable variable.

[Because he doesn’t have as much pride as some of the old men, but he still has it.]

I know. You had me wrapped around your finger the moment we started using each other, even if I hated to admit it. It is why your trust score was so low to start.

[ he'll move so he can sit on his lap once more, just wanting to stay close to him, his arm going around his shoulder ]

Do you want to try to express why you may be feeling the way you do? You don't have to talk about it further now. Only if you think it'd help.

[He attempts to feed him a bite to see if he even likes it because he is aware of his stance on sweets.]

The source can be pinpointed to the final days, the Sundering, that all of my people are gone, or I was killed by a by the shattered soul of one of my dearest friends.

Do you really wish to delve into any of those so early in the morning?

You really ought to applaud yourself that your continued presence is one of the reasons I even bother getting up in the morning.

[ He does eat that piece, not minding it too much even if he doesn't normally eat sweets. But then Emet is telling him that and he doesn't know if he should worry or feel relieved. ]

Well. You have many reasons to wake up every morning, but I'm glad I am one of them. I'd chide you for it but to be honest I'm not in a much different situation.

[ he'll kiss his cheek, and then grab the fork again so he can be the one to feed emet ]

You won't lose me. And you've promised that if I were to die untimely, you'd come get my soul. I am holding you to that.

Edited 2021-08-05 18:18 (UTC)

I suppose you are right. I will have this cake to look forward to at least for the next few days.

[He takes the bite chewing with thought before he smears some of the chocolate mess on the counter on Five’s cheek so he can lick it off.]

I will survive a little jealousy. Do not doubt how much we’ve enriched each other’s lives. I imagine what fluttering swells in my breast when I am with you is echoed in your own. But yes, I will claim your soul. Of that you need not worry.

And … thank you. I am reassured. By your words. Your presence. Your love and care.

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