firstworldproblem | IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

[ Well. He's right about it getting him excited because although he'll let him lead him away, he will take those pages right with him because he wants to examine them ]

It would, actually. and I am curious.

Edited 2021-08-04 01:13 (UTC)

[He sits down and just watches him enjoying the look as he is engrossed in knowledge.]

One day I won’t be able to use this trick on you, but I will maximize its efficiency until then.

Part is my current work in progress for using aether to augment rather than mimic your abilities.

The others are where I left off in your studies.

[They are drills about the six elements along with umbral and astral. How to balance and unbalance them.

The last two pages are for his scrapbook. Just pictures here and there. Wildfire if that has happened. The setup at the small shrine. Vergil. Lahabrea. Lily. A bit random when all is said and done. Freshly glued.]

[ The homework excites him - unsurprisingly, but when he gets to the last two pages he's just completely floored. So that's what he needed those 20 minutes for. ]

... How do you always manage to do just the perfect thing for me. Did you put it together because I worried you?

[He laughs and shakes his head.]

Even I cannot claim to be that good. If I am going to keep the poor old man on a schedule, I would not want to also force him to sleep in late. So when I can I get up early, and I simply wanted to finish this before too much time passed.

My fingers were covered in glue when you sent your message so I finished what I had started. No more foresight than that.

You still brought it to me now. So you get the same amount of points in my book.

[ he'll rest his head on his shoulder, eyes falling shut for a moment as he closes his eyes ]

You keep giving me one more reason to love you every time I see you.

[He kisses his forehead and pet up and down his spine.]

I have always attempted to get you to swoon one way or another in my presence be it knowledge or other.

You are quite welcome and it is quite deserved, my dawn.

[He gives a dramatic pause.]

I do believe I was promise lopsided cake.

I've noticed that you've actually started using pet names more.

[ and of course, it's still as effective as ever. He'll get up and offer his hand for him to take ]

Like I said, the taste is fine.

Have I not ever been perceptive.

It also helped you were so direct about it.

[He takes both of his hands and is pulled up.]

[ Cute. He'll lead him toward the kitchen - and it's a mess. He didn't really bother putting everything back in place after his experiment, at least not yet.

The cake is sitting on the table and it looks as awful as promised. It's chocolate and it's everywhere. ]

How brave are you feeling.

Edited 2021-08-04 01:49 (UTC)

[He doesn’t answer but instead he leans on the counter, chin in hands and opens his mouth expecting to be fed.]

[ He laughs at that, and takes a fork to grab a piece of the monstrosity, feeding it to him right after ]

How charming.

[He eats it and of course is dramatic and makes an exaggerated motion of licking off the fork.]

Your first, you said?

I was hoping I could maybe impress you with it. But it did turn out to be harder than I thought.

Glad to see you're enjoying it.

Oh, I am impressed. It tastes as good as you described and the thought behind it is rather warming.

[He opens mouth again to be fed.]

[ There's a small smile at that, and he'll cut another piece before feeding it to him again ]

I think you weren't entirely wrong about me and Caeli. Lately ... there have been a few instances in which I thought I may have developed a crush after all.

But my feelings on a relationship have not changed. And if anything I want to suppress those thoughts as much as possible.

I know you're jealous, and I don't want to make it worse. But I can feel myself panicking and you're not just my lover and partner, you're also my closest and dearest friend. I need your point of view.

[ a pause, then he adds ]

And part of me does feel as though I'm hurting you just for having any sort of emotional attachment to him.

[He does pause for a moment. He knew they were getting close and he’s just beginning to realize after seeing him as an adult that he truly has no idea how far the relationship has grown.

But after that moment he takes his hand and tries to catch his gaze.]

You are going to have emotional attachment to others. Nothing I can say will change that. And it should not. The last thing I want to do is stifle your growth. Not now. Not when you can finally blossom.

Of course I will be jealous. Especially with someone as charming as Caeli. If I did not like him and see how he does bring out a side of you, I would not be worried about him.

You know my history, my worries, my fears. There are few I would share such depths with. As aptly stated you are my dear friend as well.

But put that all aside for a moment. Tell me. What do you want?

He does bring out a spontaneous and reckless attitude from me that I hadn't experienced since I was actually young. Which is exciting, of course, but it does have some downsides. I take stupid decisions and end up taking potions too often, for one.

[ a pause, then he continues ]

I've asked him if he'd be interested in me trying — ... my more violent urges on him. He's agreed and even gave me a knife to use on him alone.

But I haven't made up my mind yet on whether I want to go through with it or not.

That's a second stupid decision. Logically I should not risk losing control but what if it helps? Violence is the last thing I want to inflict on you or Lahabrea, but he enjoys it.

[ he's looked away as he talked about this, but now he does meet his gaze ]

I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want.

You never had a childhood. A time you could be reckless and foolish and carefree. None of you truly did.

So while my initial thought was to tell you to be more rational about potions and knives, I believe I will rescind. Truly there is no better place than here to experiment. Be spontaneous and reckless knowing it can be detrimental but I believe we can manage keeping that in the short term.

Your idea about violence could be right. I rather you would have selected Vergil as I don’t trust Caeli enough to know when your limit is reached. However, you know him enough, and I will trust your judgement on this. And if it helps then there is no drawback.

[He holds onto his hand a lightly too tightly but he kisses his forehead gently.]

Do you feel more at ease?

I’ve asked him about it in an intimate context, I can’t ask Vergil about that. Otherwise he would have been my choice.

[ he’ll squeeze his hand back, and then rest his forehead against him ]

I always feel more at ease with you, but I worry that you’re hiding your feelings.

I am. A flaw of mine and habit that I can’t seem to break. I never could even muster the courage to talk to Elidibus face to face after Lahabrea’s death.

[He sighs.]

You are going to stray or make yourself absolutely miserable trying not to. There are no doubts I have about the love we share, but Delores aside, I am your first. And while you confidently tell me I am all that you desire, how can you know? The simple truth is you cannot. Not without more experience.

I know this and I encourage it, but I will never be ready for it. I am the pessimist in the relationship after all.

In the end it is jealousy and fear. Feelings of inadequacies that I can only chide myself for. I’m sure you can understand.

[ He'll move back so he can flick his forehead at that admission ]

If you hide your feelings then I obviously won't be able to come to you when I need. You always scold me if I try to do so so don't do the same.

With that said.

[ he'll stroke the back of his hand with his thumb, gentle despite how tightly he was holding it just a moment ago ]

If I compare these feelings to the experience I have had, they're more aligned to what I felt for Lahabrea when we were still just flirting, than to what I feel and have felt for you before I accepted my feelings.

To be honest, if you hadn't intervened back then and propose to have him watch us I may have panicked the same way. But the difference is that I was already emotionally close to Lahabrea, and the additional attraction I felt for him was physical. For Caeli, it all started with physical attraction, and now I find myself protective of him.

Whatever it is I feel I don't know how to name it. The closest thing I could think of was a crush. But even then, I do still mean it when I said I don't want anyone else, not that way. And it isn't just because I like the thought about being yours. From a practical standpoint, getting involved with anyone else would only lead to a disaster. At the way I'm going, with all these ties I'm forming, my heart is not going to be in a much better shape than yours.

I know jealousy is irrational, but you have nothing to feel inadequate for. If anything. You are constantly far more than I could ever possibly deserve in a thousand lifetimes. But I know just saying that won't help.

[ There is a long pause, and he adds ]

He told me he's dying — outside of here — and I told him I'll stop it.

Edited 2021-08-04 10:23 (UTC)

[He makes a face which was probably expected.]

I can’t even counter as a deterrent that you would deal with many petty and depressed thoughts would I be so open. For I imagine that is exactly what you want.

But do not doubt I am more open with you than even Lahabrea. And I am working on it.

[He pauses for a long moment as he listens. Carefully and with care he gives only to a select few.]

I do hope you’ll be enlisting our aide in that. What is one more soul? It should not surprise me, you are unconventional about it after all, but you do want happiness for everyone.

As for jealousy, mine is a factor as is his. I can easily see him become over protective and territorial due to his competitive nature. However, I also know you enjoy such possessiveness.

[And the next part he struggles with. Why the jealousy and pessimism is so drowning. Azem. One section of your utopian society shattering the other. How all these feelings are connected to Five.

Perhaps in the end it is simply a lost trust of hope.]

As much as I wish it, love is not enough at times.

[Not the best answer, but he can’t think of a better one.]

Edited 2021-08-04 20:01 (UTC)

[ It's a little worrying to hear emet say "love is not enough at times". It's not out of character, he knows Emet is more pessimistic than he is, but it feels so odd to hear him say that to him. And part of him is genuinely worrying about whether he should have kept this to himself, knowing that he's struggling with jealousy. Was it the wrong choice after all? But if he can't talk to Emet, then who? ]

I would let the whole world burn and everyone in it for you. It's obviously not a choice to be made. But if there was a choice to make, I would choose you.

My family is the only thing I'd ever put above you.

You know that, right?

I’ve worried you, haven’t I?

[He brings his hand to his lips kissing the knuckles.]

I know. You have proved it in actions, words, and deeds a hundred times over.

Do not mind these petty thoughts as most of them do evaporate in your presence. I entrusted you with my heart, and you have done nothing but but nurtured it even when it was difficult.

Of course I'm worried. The last thing I want is to be the one to hurt you.

Even if you want to see me blossom that doesn't have to translate in you suffering on your own. Keep that in mind too. I love you and nothing will ever change that.

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