IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

[firstworldproblem]

Comments

[failedsafe]

I'm glad.

No. I don't know what to think.

[firstworldproblem]

[He motions for her to sit.]

What's on your mind, Lily?

[failedsafe]

[She rubs the back of her head before plopping down unceremoniously, raising a knee to her chest and wrapping her around it.]

Vivi proposed to me.

[firstworldproblem]

[He puts an arm around her shoulders.]

It would seem you have some reservations or doubts.

[failedsafe]

I...do no think I have a future, one way or another. Not in that sense.

[firstworldproblem]

In the end, isn't that for you to decide?

[failedsafe]

[She ponders that. That seems so in line with her usual thinking. It's been hard, but she has tried to defy the negative and harmful expectations even as she internalises them. Either she would not rise to any sort of occasion, was not worth any consideration, or she would actively ruin things for those that mattered--for the brother that mattered. She wants to be more than an ill omen or an obstacle. She wants to be more than nothing at all.]

...I don't think I'm going to live very long, in any case.

[firstworldproblem]

Your dream. Your wish. That what you strive for.

It sounds like you've resolved yourself, but you are not yet content with the outcome.

[failedsafe]

If the outcome that I seek happens, that is all that matters.

[isn't it?]

One way or another or another, I do not see myself living past it.

[firstworldproblem]

A rather wise yet arrogant person once told me to 'broaden my horizons'.

What would it take to get both?

[failedsafe]

I wonder who...?

It would take convincing my dear darling creator and ren not to terminate me after I've fulfilled my purpose, but even so...I don't think I have a very long lifespan, so it's a moot point. That is assuming I manage to survive doing what I need to do in the first place. Could always die by the end or die in the attempt.

[She shrugs, she doesn't look particularly bothered by it, and turns her gaze upwards once more.]

[firstworldproblem]

You are still thinking too small.

Rewrite the laws of reality. Who is to say your wish cannot accomplish this?

[failedsafe]

The wish is a very, very last resort. Having a soul...

[firstworldproblem]

I see.

You'd rather have a soul intact than trading it here. A valid concern.

[failedsafe]

Can't say I'm terribly fond of Hell in the first place. [She smiles wryly before looking much more sombre.]

If I gave that up...and if I couldn't help under my own power...

[hnnngh]

[firstworldproblem]

Honestly the Producers of this place are simply a collection of individuals too powerful for their won good.

[He pauses.]

Does it truly matter how it is accomplished?

[failedsafe]

I didn't realise demons could be so powerful.

It does matter. I don't expect any understanding.

[It's not defensive or dismissive, just stated as a fact.]

[firstworldproblem]

I would like to if it isn't too painful.

[failedsafe]

[She waits a while. It isn't obvious if she's thinking or not.]

...There's only ever been one person that has needed or wanted me. One who didn't ignore or think the worst of me. I wasn't a person. I was a tool or I was trash. Disregarded. Disrespected.

Disposable.

I have similar design specifications to my brother, but they don't matter. I wasn't wanted, I wasn't even supposed to exist, just a thing with no purpose.

I want to help my brother because he's my brother it's as easy as that, but if I can do anything that matters then...I'll know I'm more than everything they thought, even if I have to die to do it. If I can't do that with my own hands there isn't any point. If I can't do it without giving up something so fundamental then I am no better than what they thought in the first place. I might not be a person but if I have a soul then...

[maybe she can pretend sometimes.]

[firstworldproblem]

You desire to safeguard your soul, an admirable goal. Then cherish it even though the path before you will be more difficult for it.

It sounds like the only person worthy of proof of anything is your brother. Ignore the rest. The two of you should decide what you want and build your plan from there.

1/2

[failedsafe]

--That's not!--

[She sounds frustrated, balling her hands into fists and nearly snapping before she slows down. Inhales.]

2/2

[failedsafe]

My brother is very important to me, yeah, no doubt about it, but then I came here and now a lot of people are. Somehow.

[yes, this is baffling to the person who loves people at the drop of the hat, but perhaps that is not and was never the issue.]

Really, that's the problem. If I go back to Lysidian and become successful, and somehow win the right to my own life on top of that from The Professor, there's...not likely to be much life to live after that anyway. I shouldn't do that to him.

[firstworldproblem]

I meant from those back home. He is the one you always speak so highly of.

No answer will be without complications, but I would consider writing down your ideal. Is it going back home, proving your worth, and having everyone you dear live with you? Is it having everyone you hold dear going someplace else and ignoring the plight of your home star.

And then rank them with someone or someones you trust. Try to truly determine what you can live with or without.

[failedsafe]

Oh. Sorry, then. [She does look contrite.]

Yeah. That was my childhood, as far as I know. I am obviously not one anymore, so who can say what happened in the interim?

I can't ignore Lysidian. That isn't an option. It's been suffering for a very long time. My ideal is everyone being happy, even if I'm not there. But...I'll do that. I'll write it out.

[firstworldproblem]

It isn't easy. Do not think I'm trying to say it is so. I'm sure you'll fill quite a few pages with what you desire and all the possible outcomes.

If you must lose your life in pursuit of your goal, it is regrettable, but I would rather you lived to see it flourish.

But endless opportunity and heartache both lie before you. And I pray you can find a path that not only you are comfortable with, but you are also comfortable sharing with those whom you love.