It's particularly ridiculous, given that sometime soon after my arrival I spoke with Lahabrea and told him that I do not truly see Hythlodaeus and Levity as separate people. "Levity is just Hythlodaeus without his memories", I'd said... and perhaps promptly forgot. I'm not quite certain what led me away from that thought, but I am more confident in it once again.
[He sighs softly.]
Being without my memories does not have to change me. Rather than a flaw or an obstacle, it is much easier to move on from it if I simply think of it as a thing that happened. Nothing more, and nothing less. And thus I will move on.
[He laughs at the complaint, though!]
Ah, perhaps it's like with Ardyn? Appearing insincere, or perhaps scheming, even when you are being such, preventing people from becoming closer to you, but only those close to you can see the truth? Though the situation between you and I differs from my relationship with Ardyn.
[But, ah. Hm. Azem.]
...Azem... he was our friend, wasn't he? But you told me I could blame him for the distance between us when I remembered enough. Did something happen?
I had worries by pushing you I'd only prompt you to try to be the person in your memories too quickly. Perhaps by not pushing you enough that made you simply run to it more.
But this is your journey and no one can tell you the right path to take. Only you can determine that for yourself. Though I would offer vocal suggestions.
I truly mean it when I say I want you to be happy. I hope you are able to find that.
[He shakes his head at the question.]
An echo. That's all that is left of them. And while their spirit lives on fractured and imparted to others, that is never truly them, is it? They no longer remember, and unlike you, I'm not certain they can get it back. Or desire to.
I've always been contrarian, haven't I? Of course I would run to it all the more if you withheld it from me.
[He chuckles.]
Though in that case I would likely have been cross with you for seeing Hythlodaeus in me when I wasn't yet him... I wonder if there would have been a way forward for us that didn't have any friction.
[News of Azem, though... Leave him stunned. He doesn't know what he expected, but that wasn't... that wasn't it.]
... Oh.
[He stays quiet, trying to process the thought. Even though he remembers so little, it feels... wrong, to think that...]
[He admits quietly, slumping against Emet more--but even that's not enough and after a while he decides to sit back down on the sand, looking out at the sea, but at least he's keeping his hold on Emet's hand.]
It's...
[He trails off, clearly shaken by the revelations.]
I've been... I haven't really let myself think about it before...
[He still assumes they are talking about games, so he doesn't get 'ergo not truly alive' speech.]
Truthfully it helps to remember that everyone here is practically immortal. There are scars left behind I will not trivialize, but even after the worst of it there is no permanence. If there were, I think we'd all find it much more difficult to play as hard as we do.
[He doesn't answer, just curling up and hiding his face in his hands instead. :( Sometimes you're an Ancient actually confronting hurting and murdering people and that's more than you can handle?]
[The petting seems to calm him - or at least keep him this side of a breakdown.]
... what should I do, Hades? Even if... Even if I try to remember it's not permanent death... I can't face the thought of killing someone. Especially... you, or Cosmo, or Lily...
[There's a brief flash of fear in his expression - after all, choosing for himself is just another reminder that he is alone now, separate from the whole.]
Re: 378?
It's particularly ridiculous, given that sometime soon after my arrival I spoke with Lahabrea and told him that I do not truly see Hythlodaeus and Levity as separate people. "Levity is just Hythlodaeus without his memories", I'd said... and perhaps promptly forgot. I'm not quite certain what led me away from that thought, but I am more confident in it once again.
[He sighs softly.]
Being without my memories does not have to change me. Rather than a flaw or an obstacle, it is much easier to move on from it if I simply think of it as a thing that happened. Nothing more, and nothing less. And thus I will move on.
[He laughs at the complaint, though!]
Ah, perhaps it's like with Ardyn? Appearing insincere, or perhaps scheming, even when you are being such, preventing people from becoming closer to you, but only those close to you can see the truth? Though the situation between you and I differs from my relationship with Ardyn.
[But, ah. Hm. Azem.]
...Azem... he was our friend, wasn't he? But you told me I could blame him for the distance between us when I remembered enough. Did something happen?
Re: 378?
But this is your journey and no one can tell you the right path to take. Only you can determine that for yourself. Though I would offer vocal suggestions.
I truly mean it when I say I want you to be happy. I hope you are able to find that.
[He shakes his head at the question.]
An echo. That's all that is left of them. And while their spirit lives on fractured and imparted to others, that is never truly them, is it? They no longer remember, and unlike you, I'm not certain they can get it back. Or desire to.
Re: 378?
[He chuckles.]
Though in that case I would likely have been cross with you for seeing Hythlodaeus in me when I wasn't yet him... I wonder if there would have been a way forward for us that didn't have any friction.
[News of Azem, though... Leave him stunned. He doesn't know what he expected, but that wasn't... that wasn't it.]
... Oh.
[He stays quiet, trying to process the thought. Even though he remembers so little, it feels... wrong, to think that...]
...they are gone?..
Re: 378?
Not the most cheerful of news, but that is the truth of it.
Re: 378?
... but we're here. You and I, and Cosmo...
Re: 378?
[He kisses his forehead.]
I know this is all overwhelming. Take your time. You need not find your answers right away.
Re: 378?
[He admits quietly, slumping against Emet more--but even that's not enough and after a while he decides to sit back down on the sand, looking out at the sea, but at least he's keeping his hold on Emet's hand.]
It's...
[He trails off, clearly shaken by the revelations.]
I've been... I haven't really let myself think about it before...
Re: 378?
It's been so long, we have forgotten the initial sting of it. So do scold us on being hasty. Take time to look. To learn. To remember.
Re: 378?
I did... I wanted to ask... How you did-- how to...
[how do you DEAL with murder and stuff!!!!! like actual real murder not just game murder!!!]
Re: 378?
How do I...?
Re: 378?
How do you... deal with it all? With the way--things are... the things we're forced to do...
Re: 378?
Truthfully it helps to remember that everyone here is practically immortal. There are scars left behind I will not trivialize, but even after the worst of it there is no permanence. If there were, I think we'd all find it much more difficult to play as hard as we do.
Re: 378?
But it's... killing and hurting someone still. It's... I-I could deal with it if I was not thinking about it, or when Jason was still here, but...
Even if--even if we are revived, it's still... death and suffering. And I can't...
Re: 378?
But the reality is that people will be regardless of anyone's actions. Even if we all banded together, death is still a reality we must face.
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
He's just going to cling for a time, trying not to cry.]
I hate it...
Re: 378?
[Continues to pet him.]
And you should. It should not be this way.
Re: 378?
... what should I do, Hades? Even if... Even if I try to remember it's not permanent death... I can't face the thought of killing someone. Especially... you, or Cosmo, or Lily...
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
...What if my answer is wrong?
Re: 378?
That was always your strength and I imagine what earned you your position on Future is Now.
Re: 378?
I wonder. I don't think they care so much about who they put on which unit,
[He's quiet for a time, thinking, still looking Pretty Dang Miserable.]
...I can't fight for myself, Hades.
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
...I do not want to die. But I am not more important than others.
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?
Re: 378?