firstworldproblem | IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

It must be overwhelming, having all stolen from you. Your abilities. Your memories. To get them back in scraps and pieces.

And we will fight. Sometimes the fault mine. Sometimes your. Sometimes neither. Amaurot was a utopia beyond words, but it wasn't perfect. We had to learn from each other. And it will be no different for you and I.

[And he drapes his aether over him like a warm blanket.]

[OH NO... CUTE....... He sighs, contented, peaceful, and tries to reach out with his own aether, brushing against Emet's soul.]

...Yeah. I hadn't realized it until you scolded me, but...

[He takes a deep breath, but he's smiling.]

Forgive me my abundance of words, but I feel that it should be said. You saying that I act like you're a disappointment to me, that you're afraid to trust me because of these arguments... and just now, that we have to learn from each other. It made me realize... I hadn't been thinking about you. Only about myself. And for that... I am sorry.

I thought that our bond, our friendship was something... mystical. Something meant to happen, a destiny for us, one that I was not fulfilling for some reason. And I thought that the answer lay within, something wrong with me that was getting in the way.

[He leans back a little, closing his eyes.]

So I sought to understand you by doubting myself even further. And it feels like I've tried just about everything to do that, except actually listening to what you've been telling me. It's almost funny, don't you find?

You tried too hard, too quickly to be Hythlodaeus as if he were an ideal to achieve. And I pushed you that way.

But he is you, and you are him and in some aspect you are neither. And trying to confine you in any way seems to only have caused you worry.

[He accomplishes the aetherical equivalent of entwining their fingers. Not a merge of souls, but a gesture of closeness.]

I wonder if it is me. You aren't the first or will be the last to brush off what I have to say. All this wisdom gone to waste!

[He's joking.]

If you can forgive my missteps, then would be cruel of me not to forgive yours.

[But then he laughs.]

And truly, it is not as if you and Azem every listened to me back then. All grins and mischievous faces. It's a wonder you didn't burn the Bureau down.

[Soul handholding!!!]

It's particularly ridiculous, given that sometime soon after my arrival I spoke with Lahabrea and told him that I do not truly see Hythlodaeus and Levity as separate people. "Levity is just Hythlodaeus without his memories", I'd said... and perhaps promptly forgot. I'm not quite certain what led me away from that thought, but I am more confident in it once again.

[He sighs softly.]

Being without my memories does not have to change me. Rather than a flaw or an obstacle, it is much easier to move on from it if I simply think of it as a thing that happened. Nothing more, and nothing less. And thus I will move on.

[He laughs at the complaint, though!]

Ah, perhaps it's like with Ardyn? Appearing insincere, or perhaps scheming, even when you are being such, preventing people from becoming closer to you, but only those close to you can see the truth? Though the situation between you and I differs from my relationship with Ardyn.

[But, ah. Hm. Azem.]

...Azem... he was our friend, wasn't he? But you told me I could blame him for the distance between us when I remembered enough. Did something happen?

I had worries by pushing you I'd only prompt you to try to be the person in your memories too quickly. Perhaps by not pushing you enough that made you simply run to it more.

But this is your journey and no one can tell you the right path to take. Only you can determine that for yourself. Though I would offer vocal suggestions.

I truly mean it when I say I want you to be happy. I hope you are able to find that.

[He shakes his head at the question.]

An echo. That's all that is left of them. And while their spirit lives on fractured and imparted to others, that is never truly them, is it? They no longer remember, and unlike you, I'm not certain they can get it back. Or desire to.

I've always been contrarian, haven't I? Of course I would run to it all the more if you withheld it from me.

[He chuckles.]

Though in that case I would likely have been cross with you for seeing Hythlodaeus in me when I wasn't yet him... I wonder if there would have been a way forward for us that didn't have any friction.

[News of Azem, though... Leave him stunned. He doesn't know what he expected, but that wasn't... that wasn't it.]

... Oh.

[He stays quiet, trying to process the thought. Even though he remembers so little, it feels... wrong, to think that...]

...they are gone?..

We're all gone, Levity. Every last one of us.

Not the most cheerful of news, but that is the truth of it.

[Yeah sorry he's just going to take a moment, leaning back against Emet. Eventually...]

... but we're here. You and I, and Cosmo...

A second chance I am grateful for everyday.

[He kisses his forehead.]

I know this is all overwhelming. Take your time. You need not find your answers right away.

...It is.

[He admits quietly, slumping against Emet more--but even that's not enough and after a while he decides to sit back down on the sand, looking out at the sea, but at least he's keeping his hold on Emet's hand.]

It's...

[He trails off, clearly shaken by the revelations.]

I've been... I haven't really let myself think about it before...

[He sits with him, head resting on his shoulder.]

It's been so long, we have forgotten the initial sting of it. So do scold us on being hasty. Take time to look. To learn. To remember.

[He nods, slowly - and then wraps his arms around Emet tighter, as though trying to hide, body tense and breath a little too obviously controlled.]

I did... I wanted to ask... How you did-- how to...

[how do you DEAL with murder and stuff!!!!! like actual real murder not just game murder!!!]

[He tucks him under his head and holds him tightly.]

How do I...?

[thank u.......... big comfy.]

How do you... deal with it all? With the way--things are... the things we're forced to do...

[He still assumes they are talking about games, so he doesn't get 'ergo not truly alive' speech.]

Truthfully it helps to remember that everyone here is practically immortal. There are scars left behind I will not trivialize, but even after the worst of it there is no permanence. If there were, I think we'd all find it much more difficult to play as hard as we do.

[(Un)fortunately that's close enough, he's not ready to face The Ascianism in full yet anyway.]

But it's... killing and hurting someone still. It's... I-I could deal with it if I was not thinking about it, or when Jason was still here, but...

Even if--even if we are revived, it's still... death and suffering. And I can't...

I am not trying to say that it is not. That people will not be hurt.

But the reality is that people will be regardless of anyone's actions. Even if we all banded together, death is still a reality we must face.

[He doesn't answer, just curling up and hiding his face in his hands instead. :( Sometimes you're an Ancient actually confronting hurting and murdering people and that's more than you can handle?]

[He just strokes his back because it DOES SUCK. But life isn't really fair.]

[But what if, it was fair??? :(

He's just going to cling for a time, trying not to cry.]

I hate it...

I know.

[Continues to pet him.]

And you should. It should not be this way.

[The petting seems to calm him - or at least keep him this side of a breakdown.]

... what should I do, Hades? Even if... Even if I try to remember it's not permanent death... I can't face the thought of killing someone. Especially... you, or Cosmo, or Lily...

Only you can find the answer to that for in the end it is you that must live with the decision. We can only offer you suggestions.

[There's a brief flash of fear in his expression - after all, choosing for himself is just another reminder that he is alone now, separate from the whole.]

...What if my answer is wrong?

Then change it until it meets your standards. Experiment. I doubt you'll find the right answer the first time anyway.

That was always your strength and I imagine what earned you your position on Future is Now.

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