firstworldproblem | IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

Am I truly? Do I not show enough care to Ardyn, to BARiTONES. To Lahabrea, Five and Vergil. Am I truly the problem?

I just do not believe this group will rise to the occasion in harmony. That they will not act in their best interests. And truly the fault is not theirs. They are all but incentivized to do this. There is no 'saving' everyone. In most games all I can do is to attempt to save BARiTONES. And I will not risk them for any other unit. I will not leave it to chance.

And if I'm hated for it, so be it. I would not begrudge any unit that wished to protect themselves or the ones they love. We simply live in a world where all units living during a game is not a valid reality.

[He shakes his head, frustrated.]

I don't mean that everyone deserves to survive during games! I'm not that stupid, Hades! I just mean that everyone deserves a fighting chance, and you took that away in the last game! And I feel an absolute damn fool for--for trying to be kind to people, to figure out which sins were yours so we could avoid them--

[He stops, breath caught in his throat, then grits his teeth in frustration.]

You are not wrong for playing the game your way. You priorities were to spare those whom you care about including those outside of your unit.

Are you upset that other did not afford you the same? That they did not search for your sins?

[He pauses, looking aside, a pained expression on his face as he thinks. Is he upset about that?

He tries to think about all the things he's learned here. From Jason. From Glory. From his unit.]

... No. I know I should not count on the kindness of others. I do not. But it makes me feel a fool to look out for others when they do not do the same. Yet I cannot... not do that. So I am a fool no matter what.

[He drops his arms, suddenly looking exhausted, then sits down on the floor, crossing his legs and pulling out one of the bits of metal he always keeps in his pockets nowadays. Do unit abilities work within dreams? He's going to try Reuse-and-Recycle-ing the metal piece into a moebius strip. Moping.]

[It does indeed work in a dream. In fact, he'll have full control over it if he wishes to utilize that at any point.

He sits down next to him.]

You are not a fool for caring about others or trying to protect them. These games are meant to cause bursts of negative emotions for the drama and ratings that they bring.

You cannot control the actions of others so then you are only left with how you played, and can you live with it.

[He hunches his shoulders, half-curling up, simultaneously defensive and defeated.]

But what is the point of me trying to care about anyone other than my unit? Whatever goodwill I may put in my actions is so easily dismissed or rendered useless by what others do! But I--can't shut down that part of myself, I can't play as hard as you do, and my unit suffers for it. I'm punished for being--for trying to be kind. Then why should I keep trying? Why don't I just forget about everyone else except for a handful of people?

[He wraps and arm around him.]

I would not want you to play as hard as BARiTONES does if it hurts your heart. Only you and your unit can decide what is right. But other units will make different choices and neither of you are wrong. And that is what I'm asking for. Understanding.

And games, while the most potent, are not the only experiences here. Remember the kindness and love outside of them both given and received. I do believe you will find people's true nature there.

[He breathes out shakily, covering up his face.]

I just... Wish we could all play safer during games... So everyone has an equal chance, without having to sacrifice what they believe in to survive...

I know.

[He kisses the top of his head.]

Perhaps you should speak to Cardinal. I know they have struggled with this in the past. They might be able to provide you with insights I cannot give.

[Okay the kiss actually kind of makes him cry? He looks up at Emet, blinking tears out of his eyes.]

Aren't you angry with me?

For what? You seem to have something specific in mind.

...For being upset with you over this. For... not really understanding you a lot of the time. Or not making the effort...

I am. So assured you were of your opinion that you belittled and berated me. You all but slammed the proverbial door in my face writing me off as a villain in your tale.

You have your way of doing things, and I have mine. Truthfully, our methods have always had more differences than similarities. If we cannot embrace that or at least understand it, nothing but harsh feelings will flow from it.

[He stares ahead for a time, thinking, pulling up his knees to his chest and hugging them. It still leaves him with an unpleasant heaviness in his gut to know he's hurt Emet like that, but... He still can't quite get over the feeling that the way Baritones played was not necessary.]

I... can accept it, I think. It's just... hard.

[He sighs quietly.]

I... was not ready for it. In all the other games... It was randomized, or there really was no room for anything less than going all out... I did not realize just how hard you would play.

[...]

Some time before he left, Absinthe and I talked about the time he bid ZRAEL's ability to breathe in a game. So... That was the kind of thing I'd expected from him. But he's not here anymore.

You do not have to agree with it. Merely understand it. What drives us. While we act in the manner that we do.

[He thinks about that for a moment.]

That is a bit different, is it not? We compounded injuries and for that I will take the blame. But we merely secured one of the six spots to victory. We had no ability to increase or decrease the number of units that would fall.

Though I suppose in the future I would not discount that we would. But I do not see our strategy changing.

[He turns the piece of metal in his fingers slowly, this time shaping it into a filigree star.]

...The reason I was upset was... I really did not expect it. I had expected you to choose a high number, but not all. In the future I will know, and I will take it better. I do not agree with it, and I could not play like that... but I can understand.

Thank you.

[He still keeps his arm around him.]

And I would not want you to play in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.

[Despite the reassurance, he's quiet for a while more, tense. New tears slowly well up, and he finally manages to whisper:]

I'll... have to kill you one day... Cosmo... Lily...

[Someone has never actually put into thought the fact their units might go against one another.]

[He shakes his head.]

No. You’ll be forced in a position where someone must die by the game and there are no good options.

You are not the one mandating the deaths.

Though it is easy to say but hard to actually believe.

[Very hard, as it turns out! Levity presses his hands to his mouth, nausea rising.]

But... But if our units ever face each other...

A cruel scenario set up to maximize guilt and heartache. If it were just I for Baritones in the game, I would request you be firm. Fleeting death hardly has an effect on me.

[mmmMMMMMM loving this! Sure! He screws his eyes shut, but unfortunately that doesn't make the mental images go away.]

But... But if it's not just you...

[He finally looks at Emet, eyes full of fear and pain.]

I... I'll have to kill you... or you'll kill us...

We don’t stay dead.

If it is any consultation.

Edited 2021-06-28 18:20 (UTC)

[NOT REALLY. Levity shakes his head, curling up more.]

... It's not.

[It's strange, how much this upsets him. Didn't he talk about such situations with other friends before? Isn't this the same as what he'd told Hope, that BAD END shouldn't count on FiN's mercy?

Is it really so different just because he has several loved ones on Baritones?]

I tend to take mortal mortality with a fair dose of humor. Perhaps Lily or Cardinal would be a better person to ask about it.

The reality is we will all eventually die in games. From other causes. From each other. Blaming yourself will only cause you pain and suffering.

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