Ah, I'm not concerned about whether you'll insert yourself or any of that - you don't need to bother listening to any of this. Especially when you ask about things that would require far more exposition than you know... I suppose it is too overcomplicated to speak loosely, those two sons are one and the same, Battler.

Essentially, I've always had a part to play, it's not that I want to, I just don't know any other way to be. I know the way I'm meant to act with my children, and I can simulate everything about being a good mother, but I'm still struggling with feeling it the same way. I want to just love them without it having anything to do with their usefulness to me. My daughter adores me, even knowing the things I've done, and I hate catching myself thinking about how I'm going to exploit that. Battler thinks that I can only care about myself, so when I notice these things, I worry that he might be right.

Even then... Maybe I only care about this because they're my children, and because their father is catching on too. Maybe I'm only trying to save myself from losing him. It's almost impossible to tell where my own lies begin. That's why I'm hoping that having no reason to try to use or lie to you might help.