[she will just pretend she knows what an ascian is because it's not something he's discussed with her--something to come back to later, perhaps. Hearing that he hides things from Cosmo does surprise her but it also doesn't, or perhaps it's easier to say it's a surprise that she takes quickly in stride. She loves Emet-Selch, she means that, but there's so much about him that she does not know.]
He does, yes, but he is resilient, more than he gives himself credit for.
[She thinks this is a conversation that is very much needed, but, privately, she cannot deny her own hypocrisy in having it. She will resolve to do better, later, right now, she is focused on the dialogue.]
Let's take a step back. You mention his pain and worrying. What do you think he worries about?
I do not mean to imply he is not resilient, but some events are far too harrowing that even those most resilient will bend and break.
Not feeling as if he has a place he belongs is chief among them, but delving into the horrors of what befell our star... well, he will brace himself for it eventually, but with no memories it does seem too much, doesn't it?
You're very right on all points and I understand where you're coming from, but in trying to spare him further pain you're denying him a part of yourself. Which is completely up to you, but he is so driven by emotional connection and attachment that I have no doubt that he'd always what to know what ails you when it does. To be there for you.
I'm not advocating that you share everything of yourself, people have their secrets and are entitled to them, but too many withheld hurts can be...isolating, I suppose.
[She sounds a little guilty for a moment. Blink and you'll miss it.]
Saying it is because I am only trying to spare him further pain would be incorrect. There are even those memories which I do not desire to revisit. So in a sense I am protecting myself.
And perhaps that is the crux of the problem. I have told him in general strokes of our past, but perhaps the finer details I am not ready to discuss are because of myself rather than him.
Though you sound as if you are coming to a revelation on your own.
Then pardon my presumption then, you are absolutely allowed to do so.
[She says and she means but how to bridge the gap. She puts a hand to her mouth in thought as she ponders this quandary, removing it with a hum.]
...Something I've known for a while, but still struggle with. But that aside, what was your earlier interpretation of how people felt closer to you when you were suffering?
Not at all. You are wise for your years, and I've been rather used to arguing for the sake of it. Many of your points ring true, and I will take them to heart.
It's about being useful, isn't it? Validating one's own existence by being their to help others not for their sake, but for one's own. The suffering of another a foil for such validation.
An exceedingly cruel take, I know, but I can see it because I've done it in the long, long past. Values my perceived usefulness to others over actually caring. How surly I was for no reason other than pride.
Cruel, yes, and I would ask you to have a little more faith, not even in everyone, because you're reasonably and understandably particular, but just in those that you have chosen to keep by you. But you're not entirely wrong, either. It doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive concept. It can be validating to know you can help someone, yes, but that does not mean it is entirely rooted in self-serving ego, devoid of compassion and care. That you are merely an object to satisfy, utterly incidental. The people around you care about you for you, and want to help you when you need it.
[She's been looking at him this long while but her gaze shifts its focus a little looking at him, but looking past him as well as though she might glean a glimpse of who he was in days gone by, to make sense of his words now.]
I do not believe it is fully intentional. In fact, it is not. But it certainly felt like it after that game. As I said, it was an uncharitable thought.
For Levity and I, I don't believe we are quite there. Seeing you as you say. Echoes of ghosts and former expectations yet haunt us still. We are making strides, improving each step of the way. And perhaps we will never truly be rid of them.
[He tilts his head at her gaze.]
Even immortals do not have as much time as they think. So do not hesitate, Lily. You might not be gifted with a second chance.
I see. Well, I am sorry that you had more unpleasant feelings on top of everything else.
[Even if it that wasn't what people felt, she's sure of that, it's how he felt, and that is valid, and she is sorry for that burden.
It's sad, though, that that is the conclusion he came to.]
Making strides is excellent. I have every faith. It might not be exactly what you had, but that it could still be very worthwhile.
[He says that even immortals don't have as much time, and she understands the sentiment behind his words, but it also seems...beyond her comprehension when as far she knows, her life will be as a candle, burning on both ends until it's snuffed out. She crushes a rising pang of envy underfoot before it can break ground and looks to the stars.]
We will navigate it in time. And as you said there is an imbalance that needs to be accounted for.
[He laughs.]
Perhaps this old man has been rambling too long. I do dearly hope we will not all disappear so soon, but it never hurts to be forward with your thoughts.
You should be busy as well. Despites the circumstances there is much to learn, to see, and ever were you the social one. Though I do appreciate you enjoy the stars from time to time as well.
And I think you mistake 'busy' for 'resting', but you can call on me should you need an ear.
Outside of the rather delightful proposal, is there ought else bothering you?
Oh, I am! [she does brighten a bit at that.] Reading, writing, learning, training, speaking, spending time with people...like I said, there's too much to do in a day. [She's often up late and one of the first ones up...when does she sleep?] Trying...to figure myself out is a full-time effort. [She snorts, waving a hand.] It's fun, besisdes.
Busy resting counts! It's totally legit. If you're tired, you rest.
[At the question, though, she chews her lip. There is so much going on with her and she doesn't want to take too much of his time, but he's an adult. And not a shy one, either, he'd tell her if he was done or needed to take a nap.]
I'm...yeah, but I'm not sure how to put it...so I told Vivi that I love him and that was great, but I told my other boyfriend and that...wasn't as great.
[She ruffles her hair very roughly, not quite shouting but raising her voice a little, frustration evident.]
I love him, he knows I love him, I knew that he knew that I love him, that's why he told me to tell him, he was probably sick of waiting on me to do it myself. I was such an apologetic mess because I kept him waiting so long! I didn't want him to be angry at me, but he has every right to be, and yet--
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He does, yes, but he is resilient, more than he gives himself credit for.
[She thinks this is a conversation that is very much needed, but, privately, she cannot deny her own hypocrisy in having it. She will resolve to do better, later, right now, she is focused on the dialogue.]
Let's take a step back. You mention his pain and worrying. What do you think he worries about?
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Not feeling as if he has a place he belongs is chief among them, but delving into the horrors of what befell our star... well, he will brace himself for it eventually, but with no memories it does seem too much, doesn't it?
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I'm not advocating that you share everything of yourself, people have their secrets and are entitled to them, but too many withheld hurts can be...isolating, I suppose.
[She sounds a little guilty for a moment. Blink and you'll miss it.]
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And perhaps that is the crux of the problem. I have told him in general strokes of our past, but perhaps the finer details I am not ready to discuss are because of myself rather than him.
Though you sound as if you are coming to a revelation on your own.
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[She says and she means but how to bridge the gap. She puts a hand to her mouth in thought as she ponders this quandary, removing it with a hum.]
...Something I've known for a while, but still struggle with. But that aside, what was your earlier interpretation of how people felt closer to you when you were suffering?
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Not at all. You are wise for your years, and I've been rather used to arguing for the sake of it. Many of your points ring true, and I will take them to heart.
It's about being useful, isn't it? Validating one's own existence by being their to help others not for their sake, but for one's own. The suffering of another a foil for such validation.
An exceedingly cruel take, I know, but I can see it because I've done it in the long, long past. Values my perceived usefulness to others over actually caring. How surly I was for no reason other than pride.
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Cruel, yes, and I would ask you to have a little more faith, not even in everyone, because you're reasonably and understandably particular, but just in those that you have chosen to keep by you. But you're not entirely wrong, either. It doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive concept. It can be validating to know you can help someone, yes, but that does not mean it is entirely rooted in self-serving ego, devoid of compassion and care. That you are merely an object to satisfy, utterly incidental. The people around you care about you for you, and want to help you when you need it.
[She's been looking at him this long while but her gaze shifts its focus a little looking at him, but looking past him as well as though she might glean a glimpse of who he was in days gone by, to make sense of his words now.]
That is strange to think.
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For Levity and I, I don't believe we are quite there. Seeing you as you say. Echoes of ghosts and former expectations yet haunt us still. We are making strides, improving each step of the way. And perhaps we will never truly be rid of them.
[He tilts his head at her gaze.]
Even immortals do not have as much time as they think. So do not hesitate, Lily. You might not be gifted with a second chance.
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[Even if it that wasn't what people felt, she's sure of that, it's how he felt, and that is valid, and she is sorry for that burden.
It's sad, though, that that is the conclusion he came to.]
Making strides is excellent. I have every faith. It might not be exactly what you had, but that it could still be very worthwhile.
[He says that even immortals don't have as much time, and she understands the sentiment behind his words, but it also seems...beyond her comprehension when as far she knows, her life will be as a candle, burning on both ends until it's snuffed out. She crushes a rising pang of envy underfoot before it can break ground and looks to the stars.]
Thanks, you know. For being here.
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It could never be exactly the same. No matter how we both desire it.
[He does quirk his head.]
And why the sudden thanks?
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[Can't be the same, huh. That goes without saying, but she frowns for a moment.]
Guess there's only trying to find out what you two can have now, going forward. [She tilts her head in kind, mirroring him.]
Because I appreciate you, and I try not to take anything I've been stupid lucky to get for granted. I could lose it all at a moment's notice.
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[He laughs.]
Perhaps this old man has been rambling too long. I do dearly hope we will not all disappear so soon, but it never hurts to be forward with your thoughts.
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I like listening to and spending time with you! I know you can often be busy, so...
[she blushes, looking a little shy.]
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And I think you mistake 'busy' for 'resting', but you can call on me should you need an ear.
Outside of the rather delightful proposal, is there ought else bothering you?
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Busy resting counts! It's totally legit. If you're tired, you rest.
[At the question, though, she chews her lip. There is so much going on with her and she doesn't want to take too much of his time, but he's an adult. And not a shy one, either, he'd tell her if he was done or needed to take a nap.]
I'm...yeah, but I'm not sure how to put it...so I told Vivi that I love him and that was great, but I told my other boyfriend and that...wasn't as great.
[She feels indescribably guilty for saying it.]
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[He taps his chin.]
What transpired when you told him?
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Well...he asked me to tell him, so he was fine with it.
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[She ruffles her hair very roughly, not quite shouting but raising her voice a little, frustration evident.]
I love him, he knows I love him, I knew that he knew that I love him, that's why he told me to tell him, he was probably sick of waiting on me to do it myself. I was such an apologetic mess because I kept him waiting so long! I didn't want him to be angry at me, but he has every right to be, and yet--