firstworldproblem | IC Inbox 2 (Imeeji)

[unfortunately his reasons are paranoia.

Unexpectedly, though, his voice grows quieter, his expression more tired.]

... It would be nice, that kind of thing.

No confidence in your abilities?

Little confidence in my ability to find anything marvelous.

[Emet he has DEPRESSION]

I suppose it depends on your definition of marvelous. Do you smile after? Does your heart swell with pride? Do you find yourself simply being pleased with your new creation?

... Many things are marvelous in that manner. But I find myself wondering whether it truly matters compared to the pain and death we go through. I envy you your ability to brush it away.

[He takes his hand.]

Brush away? More akin to burying my head in the sand. I focus on what memories brings me joy. If I did not, I would simply drown.

And it matters. Every moment, content or not, sad or not.

[Squeezes his hand briefly! But trying to keep his focus on the driving.]

Still... even that much is nearly impossible for me.

But speaking of drowning, I did have a favour to ask of you. Or perhaps a demand to make, depending on how you wish to look at it.

I do wish you did not have to practice.

[As for the directions, he is definitely taking them well out of the city center.]

How ominous. What is it?

[Being away from the public suits him just fine! Field trip field trip]

Oh, it is ominous indeed.

But in truth, I wanted to ask you to give me more exercises or homework in dealing with souls. Some problems to solve. I need some manner of a tangible goal. Without it, I find myself unraveling, uncertain what it is I want, what I can do.

I can provide you lesson and Cosmo can allow you to practice as much as we can in a dream.

But more than that, I would ask you to find your own goal. Or perhaps a better question is, what do you want?

[He just... doesn't reply. For a very long time.]

... right now? To believe I have a future. That things will be fine one day.

No--more than that, I want to have a goal. A purpose. I don't have one right now.

Edited 2021-07-23 05:56 (UTC)

Practicing in soul magic is a good focus. I doubt I will be able to completely untangle Absinthe's soul without your help after all.

But I imagine you'll find most activities hollow unless you find a reason to live for yourself.

As less grandiose goal, I would consider picking up a hobby as well.

I have any amount of those. But much as you say, most things feel... hollow.

[He's quiet for a while, weighing his words.]

You see, I don't quite understand what purpose I would serve in the world you restore. Or along the way. You are unwilling to let me join you, perhaps for a good reason. By a similar token, I daren't look for my own way of saving our world because it would likely undo your own work. And once it's complete... Isn't there another version of me waiting for you back home? One who remembers everything, and thus would likely be a much better candidate for helping you with Absinthe's soul. Not to mention doesn't have the scars I already do have and will acquire by the time all is done.

[He taps his chin.]

I wouldn't go as far to say as I am unwilling to let you join. At least not now. Perhaps I was more cautions before. But I will need to amend a few contracts before I speak freely of it, else I will be rather lacking in words for a few days.

As for worrying about your other versions, I think it will be marvelous to entertain my younger self.

[Torment. He means friendly torment.]

Though I can see how it can be daunting. Feeling replaced. And truthfully, I'd take three mages in experts over souls over two. The two of you are not clones of each other with the same thoughts going through your head. At one point, you shared the same experience, but your experiences beyond that will help you grow differently.

... I can only imagine what those contracts might be. I'm rather sure you wouldn't have made one just on the off chance that I might arrive here?

[And is there any version of Hyth out there that doesn't torment Emet, one way or another?]

... But rather than being replaced, it is not having a purpose that weighs on me. My younger self is the Chief of the Bureau. I am not. I've no idea what I am to do with my skills that could not be done better or quicker by the younger me.

[He shakes his head.]

Truth games have been here since before our arrival. Truthfully it was a measure against that than anything else. We have more of the Scions here at that time as well, and we wanted to keep our plans secret from them.

[He quirks an eyebrow at him.]

And when has our society cast out someone simply because they could not do it 'faster' or 'better'? 'Tis about our own personal growth and how that growth can benefit anyone.

As for a place, perhaps you could be the next Emet Selch. You would only need to contend with my younger self and well, it was originally given to you.

... Our people would not cast anyone out like that, it is true. Thus we can conclude that the problem is my own doubts as to whether I can do anything to benefit others. Not to mention that this place does punish us for not being better or faster than others.

[It's almost like the way the games are set up is traumatizing! Who could have foreseen this.]

And you know I gave up the position to you for a reason. I would make an even worse Architect now than I would have back then.

Then cast thoughts of this place aside. And I'll ask the question again.

What do you want?

[For a brief moment, he grips the wheel a little tighter, but then breathes out.]

Be more specific. I want a lot of things, and a lot of them are conflicting with one another.

[He shows him another turn.]

Your goal. Your purpose in life. Though truly any wants will do.

If you are up for continuing such a heavy topic. I know it has been difficult.

[vroom vroom! where are we going.]

... I want to go home. I want to not exist. I want to be with Lily. I want all of this to never have happened. I want to want something, and I want to be forgotten by everyone. I imagine you're noticing the theme.

I am seeing a trend.

[They will eventually make it to tokyo bay. A small park near the water with views of the city.]

Forgetting you is not an option, so I'm afraid you will need to cross that off your list. This place also is not meant for you to solve such conflicts, but allow them to breed and fester. Apologies that I don't have a good solution. But if you are every feeling lonely, my door is always open for you.

[Oh, this is cute... At least Levity seems to cheer up at the sight of their destination! He likes nature.]

... I feel lonely almost all the time, to tell you the truth. Even when I am with others.

[This is less cute, though.]

[He gets out the blanket and the basket and finds a place to sit.

As for the statement, he nods.]

If you ever do find a solution for that, do let me know. I know being around people will not make it go away, but I hope it at least helps. Or do you still feel as if you don't belong?

[Even Chronically Sad as he is, Levity wouldn't be Hythlodaeus if he let up the opportunity to be a gremlin to pass by. He just waits until Emet settles down, and then comes over to climb into his lap.]

Less than I have before, fortunately. But I still do feel lost. I've taken to finding places to hide, but Vergil already scolded me for it.

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game

Re: 383, after kissy game