[She ponders that. That seems so in line with her usual thinking. It's been hard, but she has tried to defy the negative and harmful expectations even as she internalises them. Either she would not rise to any sort of occasion, was not worth any consideration, or she would actively ruin things for those that mattered--for the brother that mattered. She wants to be more than an ill omen or an obstacle. She wants to be more than nothing at all.]

...I don't think I'm going to live very long, in any case.